Friday, July 8, 2011

Why can't I do what I want to do?

The short answer is probably because I have no idea what I want to do!

This applies to several areas in my life.  My job, my exercise routine, my hobbies.  I know, right?  Who doesn't know what hobbies they like/want to have?  Me.  Well that's not entirely true.  It's because I love to do several different things but either don't have the time, money or energy to do them as much as I would like. 

I love taking pictures but don't have a lot of time to work on photo shop or different techniques.  I don't have the money for better equipment either, though the camera we have is not too shabby. 

I love to scrapbook but am not that good at it yet and don't have much time for it either.  Plus it can get expensive.

I used to like to exercise but again, feel like I have no time and also feel like I lack the energy most of the time.

Also, I used to play the piano.  But we don't own one, don't really have room for one and also don't really have the money to buy a nice one.

Then there's my job.

I do really like my job but cannot see having an hour and ten minute commute each way, every day for the rest of my life or at least even a few more years.  I really want something closer to home or if it can't be closer to home, something that pays more.  Haha.  Not trying to sound greedy but I guess I feel like if I was paid more, I could excuse the fact that I have so little time at home every weekday a little bit.

I don't know what I want.  I've considered going back to school and getting a degree for what I do now, or for teaching, or for something in the medical field, or to be a lawyer.  I feel like I am 18 and have no idea what to do with my life or what I want to be 'when I grow up'.  Problem is, I am 28, nearly 29 and still don't know.  I feel a little pathetic but also realize I have a lot of years left or working, so even if I wanted to switch careers now, if it is only 4 years until I have a degree or even 5, I still would have a lot of good years left of working and earning potential.

Why are these decisions so hard?  I think I keep putting off a decision because I am a little paralyzed with fear.  I think I am afraid that if I get a degree, I will be locked into one thing and what if I end up hating it?  I will have wasted all of that money on nothing!  I also want to get a job where I feel like the college degree was worth it monetarily.  I don't want to spend $60,000 on college for a $30,000/year job because I make more than that now.  Not trying to sound snotty, but at least to me that wouldn't be worth it.

I also considered quitting my job to become a classroom aid (para) at a school and make hardly anything for the chance to have summers off every year and spend a lot more time with my son.  I would also have some time off at Christmas and various other holidays throughout the year.  I wouldn't make a lot but it would be awesome to have that much time off.  I thought about doing that and working on a teaching degree at the same time so I could eventually be a teacher and still have the same hours but at least make a little more.

I have never had a serious conversation with Todd about this but need to because what I do affects him too.  If I decide to go back to school, that's great, but that will likely require student loans and more debt obligations.  If I downgrade the job, we will have less income.  We need to make a decision as to what will be the best thing for us in the long run.  I have to remember to look at this long term and not short term.  Even though a lot of things would change in the short term, the long term outcome of such decisions could be very different depending on what I choose.

So, I suppose it is time to finally choose.  I can choose to go back to school.  I can choose to stay where I am and try to keep working my way up (which has worked well for me so far, but I'm afraid a cap on my success is coming soon without a degree) or I can go for the para job and do nothing else, or go back to school at the same time.  I can choose to change career fields not including teaching.  I just don't know.

Ok, that was a lot of ranting for nothing really.  It didn't help me make a choice, just helped me feel better about not having made one yet by letting it all out.

I think if I don't make a decision by the end of this year, I will give myself a deadline of very early next year.

That's all.  Thanks for reading.  :)

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