Thursday, July 28, 2011

Some things and some stuff

That's the best title I could come up with.....honest!
Here are some random things on my mind this Thursday.

-I am feeling so poor right now.  It's funny how sometimes you feel great and sorta rich and like you don't have to worry about money.....and then other times (like now) you feel poor and not so great and like all these things happen at once to take all your money.  This will pass but for now I am pinching my pennies.

-I have this crazy love for diet coke, but have been trying to drink less.  I have been doing a pretty good job and have myself down to one can a day on most days.  I would like to get it down to having it be more of a special treat and not an everyday thing but sometimes that is just so hard since it is just so yummy sometimes!  Ah, Diet Coke, I love you!  (Ok, love is a strong word.  How about like very much.)

-I am using this yummy lotion from Philosophy.  It is called Dreamy Tangerini.  It smells like an orange creamsicle.

-Trying to decide what insulin pump to get (as long as my insurance company lets me choose - I suppose I should call them before getting my heart set on one).  Add that to the to do list.

-Also trying to decide what to do with my son's bedroom.  Pretty sure I have said this before but am feeling like his room is so boring so I want to do something with it, but it's not really in the budget in the next month so I will just start getting ideas.  I like this stuff:

-I have about a million pictures that we've taken that I need to go through and edit and order prints from.  I haven't ordered pictures in ages and need to take some time to do this.

-I'm super excited to get my new phone and a cute 'skin' to put on it.  About one more month (September 1st is the date) and I will probably literally go on that day or within a day or two since I want a new phone so bad.  Here's the phone and a skin that I like:

-That's all I got.  At least tomorrow is Friday!  Can't wait for the weekend as usual!

Oh and yes, I realize the pictures aren't all the same size.  I am not smart enough to fix that.  Haha!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Garden of the Gods

Just a picture of our little family from when we went to Garden of the Gods a few weeks ago in Colorado Springs. Hot but lovely day!
Posted by Picasa

Monday, July 25, 2011

Feeling good....most of the time

So, since I've started my new medicine, my blood sugar numbers have been awesome!  I have only had one or two bad readings since starting Symlin and overall, have been rocking my bg control!  I am so excited because it had been so hard to control my blood sugar numbers before and this new medicine makes it so much easier on me.  It almost feels effortless to keep my blood sugar in control now and that is the best feeling in the world and something I have never experienced before!

I also have noticed that when I take Symlin, I truly feel less hungry.  That is supposed to be one of the benefits of the medicine and I have been being very careful not to read into any symptom or feeling too much and have it not be real or be imagined.  But this really does work!  Now I get it all of a sudden. The light bulb went on.

I realize how thin people are thin (aside from simple self control and possibly genetics).  They actually feel somewhat full and don't keep eating after eating a normal sized meal or a healthy, smaller portion.  I had small serving of oatmeal and a cup of yogurt this morning for breakfast and actually felt full, and didn't even feel hungry at lunch time!  If I had eaten that exact amount before starting this medicine, I would have never felt full, would have wanted more food and would have felt hungry again by 11.  This is the strangest feeling to me.

Now I need to use this 'full' feeling to my advantage and make sure I always eat the healthy food first and then if I still have room, have a snack after a meal.  The good news is, I don't feel hungry after a meal so it feels like I can skip the dessert or snack and hopefully it will eventually help me lose weight!  That is one of the ultimate goals of this medicine.

My doctor didn't tell me I should lose weight, but I know better.  I think they know that should be a benefit of getting on and staying on this medicine.  I also have to make an effort, but for once I feel like I have my body working for me and not against me.  I know I can live a healthier life and a long life if I take care of myself and stick with it.  It is hard to think about the alternative.  I want to live a long time for my husband and son and the rest of my family.

I will say there are a few side effects of the medicine but none are major.  I have noticed a little bit of congestion and dizzy feeling since taking it and just since yesterday when I increased my dose, I have felt just a little bit of nausea.  Nothing major.  Just small things that are not worth giving up the medicine for.

Hoping this good feeling and great blood sugar control continues since I am loving it!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The one where I talk about being a diabetic

First, let me being with a few randoms.

-I think it is funny how other bloggers in the blogosphere (or whatever you call it) all use a lot of similar wording or topics or whatever.  My title of this post is to honor all the other great bloggers out there.  This seems to be a super common title - "The one where.......".   I think it is a pretty funny title, so I copied.

-My parents are coming to town this week for another visit - their third visit since we moved here!  I love having family visit as it makes me feel not so far away from home and helps me miss it a little bit less. 

-I have decided to either turn this blog into a blog about me being diabetic or to start a new blog.  I have tried to start other blogs before but never kept up with them up cared about them much.  But this is something I care about.  It is a huge part of me and though it is not all I am about, I feel like if I focus on it a bit more, I will be able to understand myself better and manage my disease better.  Sorry to the two readers who actually read my blog - hopefully this won't send you running for the hills!

-We are looking at new cars.  I think I have mentioned this once before but we are getting more serious.  I know what car I want and though it is nothing fancy, it should be very practical and versatile.  We are looking at getting a Subaru Forrester.  The funny thing is, we have a Subaru already and love it so much so we thought we might get another.  But this time instead of a car, we want a small SUV since you can actually fit quite a bit more in it.  Not that we buy big items a lot, but it sure is nice to have when you do buy something big or bulky.  We had a Jeep before and it was great for this reason.

-On to being diabetic and some things that have been running through my head recently.

I have been a bad diabetic the last, oh 5 years, or basically since I was diagnosed.  In some ways, I have never come to terms with the fact that this disease isn't going anywhere.  I have had some good moments in the last 5 years of taking care of myself, but overall, I have done a super craptastic job.  Let me tell you why.  Because it SUCKS!!!!

I have type 1  diabetes and it bothers me so much when people say 'oh, can you just lose some weight and exercise more to treat it?'  No!!!!  I can't.  I wish I could, but I have to take insulin the rest of my life no matter how skinny or fat I am (unless they cure it in my lifetime, which I am not counting on).  I wish it was different and wish it wasn't me, but wishing it away won't do anything.

I recently realized that something has to change.  So, this is a new me, starting about 2 weeks ago.  I went to the doctor for the first time in a year.  My A1C you ask?  Oh, just 11.8 (most non-diabetic people are at 6.0 or below)!  I knew it would be high, but I don't know if I was prepared to see how high it had gotten.  That's pretty scary.  Especially since I was able to have it down to 5.6 when I was pregnant with my son!  I know it can be done, so why haven't I been doing it?

When I went back to the doctor, I told myself this is it.  This is finally when I am going to take care of myself for the rest of my life.  I am not saying I won't make mistakes or slip up or have a bad day, week or even month, but I won't let it get this bad again.  I can't.  Not if I want to see my sweet little boy grow up and grow old with my husband.

In my doctor's office posted on their wall is a sign that basically says they will let you fail as many times as you have to and they will always support you and help you.  They basically give you permission to be human.  To fail and fall and to get back up again and keep trying.  That is what it is all about.  Constantly working at it.  It will never be easy but it is worth doing.  I love how they have that posted.  It makes me feel like I'm not being judged.  They were super nice at that office too so I am looking forward to going back more often.  I don't want to say I disliked my last doctor, but I feel like she didn't have much time for me.

My life will be changing for the better and it has already started.  I have been testing my blood sugar more often and also, I started a new medication - Symlin.  This has already helped my blood sugar control and I am still on the lowest dose and will probably move up in the dose which will help me even more.  I am probably going to be getting an insulin pump which will also help.  I am the most excited about that and will hopefully have one within a few months.  The doctor wants me to work on being in better control first and then I should be able to get a pump.

I am ready for life to change, to be better.  I have to make the choice.  I have to choose to be healthy and happy and to take care of myself.  I only have one life and one body and should not take it for granted.

This feels weird to say, but I feel like this is a major journey I am on and it feels new in some ways and old in others.  I am just going to do my best and forget the rest (borrowed that one from Tony Horton).  Wish me luck with my journey!

Friday, July 15, 2011

30 by 30...revisions and updates.

I started my '30 by 30' list back in either 2008 or early 2009.  I will be honest and say I haven't done much on the list yet.  So, my executive decision is to remove some of the goals and replace them with others because some of them are either not physically or financially possible. 

Anyway, here is the original list and some of the updates to it.  At the end of the list, I will note which ones I am removing and what I am adding and come up with my new list.  I really would like to accomplish as many of these as possible by October 23, 2012, my 30th birthday!

The original text/goals are in BLACK.  The previous updates to the goals are in BLUE and the most current updates are in RED.

Here goes:

1. Get a tattoo. Still want to do this one.

2. Lose 30 pounds - On my way. I am down about 10 or 11 pounds. I actually did this last year but have gained some back - time to get back to it! 7/11 update - still down about 20 overall from this goal, but would like to get to my goal weight, which is about 25-28 pounds down from where I am now.  Need a plan.
3. Scrapbook my son's first year of life - Doing ok on this, need to catch up though.
Still need to finish this! 7/11 - Ugh.  Still not done!  Have a plan for this one though.  My kid is 2 1/2!
4. Go on a hiking trip.
I think we will do this soon now that we live in Colorado! Yay!  One that we have done!  We went hiking earlier this year.  It wasn't a super long trip but it was a couple of hours!  I would like to go on more hiking trips and I think we will.
5. Get family pictures taken - plan on doing this when Xander turns 1.
Booo. I never did this but had scheduled this last fall and then we moved before our appointment. Soon. 7/11 - We haven't had a single professional family picture since our son was born, but this is a top priority for me, especially by Christmas this year.
6. Start playing piano again.
Not yet, but want to buy a piano for our new house. 7/11 - Still haven't done this but we have no place for a piano in our new house, so I was thinking about getting a keyboard.  We'll see.
7. Start swimming again. Still haven't started this, not sure if I will since we are in a contract with a gym that doesn't have a pool.

8. Do another scrapbook of some sort besides Xander's baby scrapbook - also working on this. I've started a few but need to finish these. I plan to once we move into our house. 7/11 - Still haven't done this, but am motivated to do start/finish.
9. Visit two states that I haven't been to yet.  Haven't done this yet, but we want to go to Vegas this fall so that would be one state we haven't been to.  We also want to visit New Mexico or Arizona in the next year.
10. Be able to run 3 miles without stopping.
I got close back in 2009 but gotten back into running for a while.  7/11 - Haven't attempted this again.  Thinking about dropping this goal.
11. Read at least 25 of these novels.  I realized this link doesn't even exist anymore, so will try to find the list, but I think I have read one or two of these so far.

12. Have my A1C level below 6.5 for 1 straight year.  Haven't done this to date, but am on my way.  Working on taking better care of myself.  I think I will up the goal to 7.0 or lower since that is more realistic.
13. Have our second child if we decide to have another. Probably not going to happen before 30 but who knows!  7/11 - Won't happen before I am 30 unless it is a 'surprise' more than likely, if at all.
14. Have at least one car that is paid off.  Hmmm, sad to say, but this won't happen either.

15. Travel overseas, preferably to France/Spain. Also won't happen unless something dramatic happens with our finances.  That's ok though.  This can be a longer term goal.
16. Have made at least one cake with fondant and be able to say it turned out well.  I'm going to scrap this one from the list since I just don't care about it that much.
17. Win a photo hunt contest like this one. Just one picture needs to win for me to be happy!  No winning here, but had a picture or two chosen of mine that were in the top 5.  Not sure if I will continue with these but I do like to take pictures and want to get better at it.
18. Sew at least one article of clothing from scratch.  Also scrapping this one since I don't have the time and just don't care that much to do this.
19. Have hair longer than my shoulder for once in the last 10 years! Yay!! I did this one - and recently chopped it all off!  Growing my hair out again now so unless I chop it off again, it should be longer again soon.haven't
20. Go to a pro football game.  Planning on it this fall now that we live in a city with a pro team.
21. Go to a pro basketball game.  Also planning on this since we live in a city with a pro team.
22. Go to a pro hockey game.  See response to last two.  Also planning on it.23. Run a half marathon.  Thinking of scrapping this one.  Not sure this is realistic with my work schedule.
24. Pass my series 53 test. Woohoo!  Done as of February 2011.  Maybe my next goal is to get my 4 or 3/31.
25. Go back to college (as to when I finish, that is up in the air). No progress here.
26. Get invisalign (have wanted this for years).  No progress either, but there have been more serious talks about this, so a good possibility.
27. Hike a 14er (not to be confused with my general goal of going on a hiking trip).  We have talked about this recently and want to work on getting in better shape so we can hike one this year still.
28. Go to Las VegasPlanning on going this fall.
29. Have my home fully decorated (so I don't feel like there are any rooms unfinished).  Well, since we moved into a new house since I started this list, it might be harder since decorating costs money, but we already have a couple of rooms done.  I would like to stick with this goal though.
30. Crochet something that looks good.  Again, don't care that much about this one so will scrap it.

So there you have it.  I am going to list the goals that I am getting rid of and any I am modifying as well as adding new goals and then I will make the new list again at the bottom.

Modifying #12.  I don't think being under 6.5 for my A1C is all that realistic for me, especially since I am so high right now.  I think 7 is a more realistic goal.

The goals I am scrapping are #'s 7,13,14,15,16,17,18,23 and 30.  I am going to make some new goals and number them with the above numbers for the goals I removed.

New #7 - Take photography 'lessons' online.  To me this means doing a ton of research and watching videos to get much better at taking pictures and also editing them.

New #13 - Organize my office and get a new desk/hutch.  Our office is a mess and I want to get it organized once and for all and have filing cabinets and to have a place for everything.  We also have a glass top desk and that is just not working anymore.  Time for a wooden desk.

New #14 - Get through a full round of P90X.  I did pretty well with this last year but want to start doing it again.  I feel awesome when I do these workouts and want to make it through one full round, even if I don't follow the nutrition to a T. 

New #15 - Get an insulin pump.  I am on my way to doing this.  I have awesome insurance that pays for most of it and my doctor wants me working on taking better care of myself first and after a few months, if I am doing well, he will recommend I get one.  I have to admit I am nervous about getting one and using it, but I know once I get going I won't want to go back.

New #16 - Try out a digital scrapbook.  You upload your pictures online and choose pre-made backgrounds and then add you pictures to the pages, place your order and the company prints the pages for you and you assemble the book when they are shipped to you.  I think this would be an easier, guilt free way for me to document some pictures and some of our life.

New #17 - Create a slide show of pictures for Xander's third birthday.  I know we probably won't have anyone come out here for Xander's third birthday but I still want to document the first three years of his life in a nice way and save it on our computer so we can look at it from time to time.  I am sure I will post it on here as well.

New #18 - Do one other fun activity that I haven't done before or in quite a while.  I haven't determined what it will be yet, but something like riding horses or white water rafting, riding a gondola or going skiing or tubing at a ski resort.  Something fun with good memories.

New #23 - Go on a roller coaster again.  I don't think I have been on one since high school and I love them!  Now we live in a city with a major theme park so this shouldn't be too hard.

New #30 - Visit a winery here in Colorado.  This will be harder now that we have a child, but we had so much fun in Napa that I am sure we would love doing this!

So here is the new list, all put together.  It will be marked in blue if it is completely done.  If it is in progress, partially done or not done at all, it will be normal text.

1. Get a tattoo.
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Scrapbook my son's first year of life.
4. Go on a hiking trip.

5. Get family pictures taken.
6. Start playing piano again.
Take photography 'lessons' online.  To me this means doing a ton of research and watching videos to get much better at taking pictures and also editing them.

8. Do another scrapbook of some sort besides Xander's baby scrapbook.
9. Visit two states that I haven't been to yet. 
10. Be able to run 3 miles without stopping.
11. Read at least 25 classic novels. 

12. Have my A1C level below 7.0 for 1 straight year. 
13. Organize my office and get a new desk/hutch. 
14. Get through a full round of P90X. 
15. Get an insulin pump. 
16. Try out a digital scrapbook. 
17. Create a slide show of pictures for Xander's third birthday. 
18. Do one other fun activity that I haven't done before or in quite a while.  I haven't determined what it will be yet, but something like riding horses or white water rafting, riding a gondola or going skiing or tubing at a ski resort.  Something fun with good memories.
19. Have hair longer than my shoulder for once in the last 10 years!
20. Go to a pro football game. 
21. Go to a pro basketball game. 
22. Go to a pro hockey game. 
23. Go on a roller coaster again. 
24. Pass my series 4 test.
25. Go back to college (as to when I finish, that is up in the air).
26. Get invisalign.
27. Hike a 14er (not to be confused with my general goal of going on a hiking trip). 
28. Go to Las Vegas
29. Have my home fully decorated (so I don't feel like there are any rooms unfinished). 
30. Visit a winery here in Colorado

Monday, July 11, 2011

A fun weekend......

And I want it back!!!

I have a mega case of the Monday's today and nothing has brought me out of my funk so far.  I am tired and cranky and don't wanna work.

The good news is, I had a great weekend! 

My in-laws were here this weekend along with my two nephews.  We went to a fun restaurant on Friday night and to Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs on Saturday.  Random side note - I saw this girl that I went to high school with and was on swim team with back in Nebraska - at Chik-Fil-A in Colorado Springs.  How weird is that?  I guess I knew she lived there, but it's not a tiny town and the chances of running into her were pretty small, but I did!

Anyway, the family left on Sunday morning and Todd and I decided to get out of the house again and we took Xander to Tiny Town - a little railroad play place for kids in Morrison (kinda in the foothills of the mountains).  I think Xander had a lot of fun and even went on a train ride!  When we were done, we decided to just start driving West on 285 and after a while, we realized that Breckenridge wasn't much further, so we went there!  It was beautiful minus some rain when we first got there.  The drive up there was breathtaking and there was still some snow on the high mountains in July!  So pretty!

Anyway, we got home late last night and even though I went to bed pretty early, I am still tired, hence the case of the Monday's.  At least Monday is only one day of the week and for me, it's already half over, so I will make it.

We are going to a Rockies game this Thursday night and my parents come next weekend so I am pretty happy with the activity level in our lives right now.  I hate sitting home every night and not doing anything.  I love to get out and experience things and it has been fun doing some of the stuff we've done recently.

Next major thing on the agenda for getting out of the house is heading to Estes Park and maybe Rocky Mountain National Park soon.  I think either this coming weekend or in three weeks we might go for a day trip.  The drive won't be too bad and it should be beautiful there as well!

C'mon Friday.  Where are you at??  :)

Friday, July 8, 2011

Why can't I do what I want to do?

The short answer is probably because I have no idea what I want to do!

This applies to several areas in my life.  My job, my exercise routine, my hobbies.  I know, right?  Who doesn't know what hobbies they like/want to have?  Me.  Well that's not entirely true.  It's because I love to do several different things but either don't have the time, money or energy to do them as much as I would like. 

I love taking pictures but don't have a lot of time to work on photo shop or different techniques.  I don't have the money for better equipment either, though the camera we have is not too shabby. 

I love to scrapbook but am not that good at it yet and don't have much time for it either.  Plus it can get expensive.

I used to like to exercise but again, feel like I have no time and also feel like I lack the energy most of the time.

Also, I used to play the piano.  But we don't own one, don't really have room for one and also don't really have the money to buy a nice one.

Then there's my job.

I do really like my job but cannot see having an hour and ten minute commute each way, every day for the rest of my life or at least even a few more years.  I really want something closer to home or if it can't be closer to home, something that pays more.  Haha.  Not trying to sound greedy but I guess I feel like if I was paid more, I could excuse the fact that I have so little time at home every weekday a little bit.

I don't know what I want.  I've considered going back to school and getting a degree for what I do now, or for teaching, or for something in the medical field, or to be a lawyer.  I feel like I am 18 and have no idea what to do with my life or what I want to be 'when I grow up'.  Problem is, I am 28, nearly 29 and still don't know.  I feel a little pathetic but also realize I have a lot of years left or working, so even if I wanted to switch careers now, if it is only 4 years until I have a degree or even 5, I still would have a lot of good years left of working and earning potential.

Why are these decisions so hard?  I think I keep putting off a decision because I am a little paralyzed with fear.  I think I am afraid that if I get a degree, I will be locked into one thing and what if I end up hating it?  I will have wasted all of that money on nothing!  I also want to get a job where I feel like the college degree was worth it monetarily.  I don't want to spend $60,000 on college for a $30,000/year job because I make more than that now.  Not trying to sound snotty, but at least to me that wouldn't be worth it.

I also considered quitting my job to become a classroom aid (para) at a school and make hardly anything for the chance to have summers off every year and spend a lot more time with my son.  I would also have some time off at Christmas and various other holidays throughout the year.  I wouldn't make a lot but it would be awesome to have that much time off.  I thought about doing that and working on a teaching degree at the same time so I could eventually be a teacher and still have the same hours but at least make a little more.

I have never had a serious conversation with Todd about this but need to because what I do affects him too.  If I decide to go back to school, that's great, but that will likely require student loans and more debt obligations.  If I downgrade the job, we will have less income.  We need to make a decision as to what will be the best thing for us in the long run.  I have to remember to look at this long term and not short term.  Even though a lot of things would change in the short term, the long term outcome of such decisions could be very different depending on what I choose.

So, I suppose it is time to finally choose.  I can choose to go back to school.  I can choose to stay where I am and try to keep working my way up (which has worked well for me so far, but I'm afraid a cap on my success is coming soon without a degree) or I can go for the para job and do nothing else, or go back to school at the same time.  I can choose to change career fields not including teaching.  I just don't know.

Ok, that was a lot of ranting for nothing really.  It didn't help me make a choice, just helped me feel better about not having made one yet by letting it all out.

I think if I don't make a decision by the end of this year, I will give myself a deadline of very early next year.

That's all.  Thanks for reading.  :)

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th and my to do list.

Happy Independence Day!  Today I am thankful for the freedom we have in this country that we often take for granted.  I am free to write this post because I live in America and because we have fought hard for our freedom.  And freedom isn't free.

Hope everyone has a safe and fun day!

As far as my holiday and to do list, here is the breakdown:

We went and saw fireworks last night.  It was so fun to see Xander so excited to see the fireworks.  That's probably the only major fireworks we will see, but it was a good show and free!

We aren't doing much today because Todd has to work.  I think tonight once he gets home we are going to do our little bit of fireworks on the back patio for Xander and just relax. 

In the mean time, I have a ton of cleaning and laundry to do today.  I'm also finally going to order pictures for scrapbooks that I have been putting off for months. 

Tomorrow I took the day off of work, but it won't be that fun because I have to go get my drivers license in the morning and go to the doctor in the afternoon.  In the middle of the day I think I will run a few errands.  I need to return a couple of items and even though I went to the store yesterday, I forgot a few items so I am going to have to go back.  I also need to return a broken fishing pole.  Todd bought me one and the first day we used it, it stopped working.

I am hoping to get a lot done today so I don't have as much to do tomorrow.  At least I have a super short work week this week and Todd's parents come this weekend along with our two nephews that they are watching and we have a couple of awesome things planned for this coming weekend.  I think we are going to Colorado Springs to Garden of the Gods and maybe the Royal Gorge, then the next day we are probably headed to Estes Park or maybe Rocky Mountain National Park.  Either way, it will be awesome since those are places I have wanted to go since we moved here.

Looking forward to the next two days and the coming weekend!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Today's plan

So I am going to try to fill this weekend with a combo of fun and productive activities since I have four days off and don't want to waste the whole weekend doing nothing.

Today I have done nothing so far which is fine with me but I am about to start on some stuff.  Xander let me sleep until 8:30 this morning so that was great!  It felt awesome and made me rested to help me get through the day and that also tends to make me in a better mood throughout the day.

So here is the plan for the rest of the day and for the other three days this 'weekend'.


-Go outside with X in a few minutes with lots of sunscreen to let him swim in his pool/play at his water table and get some sun for myself.

-Sort and file coupons.  My coupon file is out of control and out of date so this needs to be done.

-Talk to Todd about a schedule for the weekend and possibly when to go test drive some cars (we think we may get a new one soon).

-Fireworks show tonight? Depends on how Todd feels after work and we may end up doing this tomorrow night.

-Vacuum upstairs.

-Give X a bath.

-Clean up the living room.

And for the rest of the weekend:

-See a fireworks show for Xander.

-Let Xander swim at least one other time.

-Do other cleaning around the house/laundry.

-Light off the few fireworks we bought for Xander.

-Return a couple of items and pick up a few sale items at the store.

-Make a to-do list of stuff I have been putting off.

-Start cleaning up the office (Todd's parents are visiting next week and it's a mess).

-Clean our room/Xander's room.

-Do at least one other fun activity with Xander.

-Tuesday I have to get my drivers license and I have a doctor's appointment in the afternoon.

-Exercise at least 3 of the 4 days I have off.

-Find my favorite swimsuit....I haven't been able to locate it, so off I go to look for it!