What If????

I've been thinking a lot lately.  I've always been a thinker.  Sometimes I get in my own head too much.  Anyway, I've been thinking about my life, my job, being a mother and what I want from life going forward.

And all the while, I come up with a lot of 'what if's'.  I hate that I think so much sometimes, but I just can't help it.  These are the things that have been on my mind.

- What if I never have another child?  Will one feel like enough?  Will I feel incomplete?  Will Xander grow up to be normal with no siblings?

- What if I don't have another baby and never have a daughter?  How will I feel?  Will I wander through the rest of my life looking at cute dresses and headbands and shoes and think 'I will never get to dress a little girl in this adorable stuff'?

- What if I get fired from my job?  I don't think this is something that will really happen, but every once in a while I wonder and I hate this thought.  What would I do?

- What if I can never get a really good, long term handle on my diabetes?  Will I die young and leave my child without a mother?  What will happen if I am in poor control? 

- What if Todd loses his job?  What would we do?  What would he do?  Would we survive?

- What if we never move back to Nebraska?  Will I be happy here or someone else for the rest of my life?  I can't imagine never living in Nebraska again.  It's my home and I'm not sure I could stay away forever.

- What if I never really lose the weight I want to lose and stay this size the rest of my life?  Can I be happy anyway?  Will I always be depressed and feel bad about myself?

- What will I do without my parents and Todd without his parents?  I know our parents are aging, but I don't want to think about them getting older or losing any of them.  I don't know what we would do.

That's all.  I just wanted to get those thoughts out of my head.  I know everything will be ok and you can't live you life worrying about the bad things that could happen.  We should live each day like it's our last and not worry about the next day.  Planning is ok, but dreading is bad.  I just need to keep telling myself that.

Finding myself

This is going to seem like a cheesy self discovery post, but it's not meant to be that.

I just wanted to put it out there that recenty I've been feeling like somehow I've lost myself.  I think it happened when I had a child.  I don't even know myself the full extent of what I mean by this, but I feel as though I don't do anything that I find fun or enjoyable anymore, I don't take care of myself the way I should and I don't spend the amount of time on friendships that I wish I could (or housework, or reading or a number of other things).

That's not to say that being a mom isn't the best thing in the world, because it is!  I wouldn't give up one second of my son's life for anything.  But I will say, having a kid is extremely time consuming!  I am constantly racked with guilt about what I am not doing or getting done.  I should work out more.  I should cook more.  I should clean more.  I should read to my son more.  I should spend more time playing with the dog.  I should contact my family and friends more.  I should keep better track of our money.  I should budget more so we can save more.  I should make time for scrapbooking.  I should take and print more pictures.  The list goes on.

I try not to live by the whole 'I should be doing this or that' standard and I know I should just try to enjoy each day as it comes, but I just can't help but feel like I am missing out on some things.  I have mentioned this in several previous posts, but I feel like part of why I feel this way is my commute to work.  It eats up about 2 1/2 hours of my day and it is just out of hand.  I hate that all that time is just gone with nothing to show for it.  The only thing I have been doing in that time is reading.  I know reading is good for me and I do really enjoy rit so it is somewhat enjoyable.  I just wish I could do more with that time.  I feel like it is a waste.

I feel like I have so many unfinished projects at home and it just bugs me to death!  I have my son's scrapbook from his first year, and I am only on month 6 - he is 2 1/2!  That is a huge goal of mine - to get it done by the time he is three.  How pathetic is that?  I know they say people make time for what they want to make time for and that is true.  I enjoy watching tv and browsing around on the internet, so that is what I spend my time doing quite a bit.  I could choose to spend more of the time editing pictures and ordering them so I can complete scrapbooks and I could spend more time cleaning so I keep my home nice but I don't.  I think part of the reason is because I am tired.  It is much easier to come home and plop down and relax after a long day and a long commute.

I think it is true how they say that you choose your own happiness or you choose whether or not you want to be happy.  I think the choices we make are a big deal and I think for the most part, we have no one to blame but ourselves for the choices we make and any resulting happiness/unhappiness from those choices.

I need to choose to do things that are more fulfilling then tv and the internet.  I need to go on a tv strike so I can start doing other things I enjoy.  In fact, I think I am going to.  I just want to feel like I got the most from my evenings and didn't waste them.  Time on weekdays is at a premium so I want to spend it wisely.

Anyway, back to the whole 'finding myself' thing.  I think another part of the reason I feel this way is because I don't know what I want from life.  I don't know if this is the career field I want to stay in or if I want to move on and go back to school or if I want to save up as much as possible to become a stay at home mom again if we decide to have another child.  I don't even know if I want another child!  I feel like I have some decisions to make and some serious thinking to do.  I don't know if I should try to put a deadline on my decisions, but I want to make up my mind.  I am not old by any means, but also don't want to wait another 10 years to decide what to do with my life.  It's just hard being an adult and having to make real life decisions.

I also know that part of being really happy is being healthy.  I am not so healthy right now and am starting to work on it.  I just went to the doctor for the first time in a year and feel like that was a step in the right direction of taking better care of myself.  Now on to the dentist and eye doctor!  Also, I need to get real and finally decide to lose the extra 30 pounds I am carrying.  I think I would feel like a whole new person if I lost the weight once and for all!  I must do it.  I keep telling myself this but have to finally commit.

I suppose that is all for now.  I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head, even if not a single person reads them!

The joys and challenges of parenting

Saturday night was the biggest power struggle I have had with my 27 month old to date.

Xander didn't want to put on his pajamas, he didn't want to take a bath and he wanted to wear his new Toy Story shoes to bed that I had bought him yesterday (hey, they light up - I get it).  I won't say sorry for this next part because I fully believe in it and I realize some people don't, but I ended up spanking him a few times before he would calm down as he was screaming and carrying on for a long time.  I kept telling him no and he wouldn't listen.

I realize some parents would give in and just let their kid wear shoes to bed but it's about more than just that for me.  It's about my child listening when I tell him something and understanding he can't always have what he wants when he wants it.  Some parents would say it's not worth the fight but I have to disagree.  I do agree there are some small things not worth worrying about but I think things should be done in a normal way most of the time (not wearing shoes to bed) and I don't need to accommodate my son just to avoid a fight. 

I don't know, maybe I should have just given in but I felt like I should stick to my guns last night.  Also, once you say no, you need to enforce it otherwise the kid will learn you are inconsistent and will challenge you even more.

I know I am not a perfect parent but I sure am trying my best.  It blows my mind how few parents out there seem to have no common sense in raising their kids.  There are so many rude or oblivious kids out there and I actually feel sorry for the kids because they are being short changed in being shaped into a responsible adult.  I just can't let my kid turn into a crazy, bratty kid.  I want nothing more than for him to live a normal life with values and morals and learn hard work and determination. 

I know everyone has their thoughts on how a kid should be raised but I feel like society as a whole is going down hill at least in the manners department so I want to do everything I can to prevent that.  We are already teaching 'please' and 'thank you'.  It seems to be a lost art.

I know the struggles are worth it as he is overall a very good little boy.  He has very few tantrums and is happy most of the time.  He is pretty calm too - not a really high strung kid.  I feel lucky he is so easy most of the time.

That is all.  Some people may disagree but that is ok.

I've Lost It!!!!

I can't believe I lost my last blogger account!

I had a blog already - you can check it out here- http://123vests.blogspot.com/

I know that my password was correct and also my security question, but the stupid system says that it is wrong and that they can't identify me and since it is a free service, there is no way you can get help from Google or anyone that works for them.  I have tried filling out the form to get access back several times but it keeps saying they can't identify me.  I almost wonder if someone hacked my account, but nothing else weird has shown up in that regards.

So frustrating.

Anyway, I went ahead and chose a new title for my blog since my last one is still taken.  :(  I wonder if it will sit out there forever or if they shut it down after a while.

It will take a while to get my new blog to where I want it to be as far as pictures and links and other stuff.

I chose this new name, not because we travel or move around a lot, but because that is my mind constantly.  It is all over the map.  I jump from one thing to another, from one thought or idea to another, all without hesitation.  I am a random person by nature and I just can't apologize for it!

I have so many things I could write about.

I look at losing my last blog as a chance to start fresh.  I am going to cover a variety of topics that interest or affect me instead of just general info about me (which I am sure is somewhat boring).

Here are things I want to talk about:

-Parenting and all the fun that comes with it!

-My diabetes - not just about it in general (cause that's just boring) but how I want to work to be healthier.

-My weight.  Always a struggle and if I am accountable and write things down, maybe I can stick with doing something about it.

-My family life.  The dynamic with all three of us and including our extended family.

-Scrapbooking and/or crafts.  I haven't worked on this in months and want to get back to it.
-Work life - while keeping it vague as to not get in trouble!  :)

-Money.  Goals, accomplishments in paying certain things off.  We are ok with money but need to be better.

-Random thoughts in my head (which is what this blog is all about anyway).

-Love and my relationship with my husband.

-Pictures.  I have gotten really bad about taking them and am going to start again soon.  I like to tell a story with them and I need to take more artistic pictures besides just the usual family ones.

-Product reviews.  I am a dork but I love to mention stuff that I love or even sometimes that I hate.

-Anything else I choose to write about.  Hey, it is my blog right?  I will write about whatever, whenever cause that's the way I roll (or something).

Ta ta for now!