Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Finding myself

This is going to seem like a cheesy self discovery post, but it's not meant to be that.

I just wanted to put it out there that recenty I've been feeling like somehow I've lost myself.  I think it happened when I had a child.  I don't even know myself the full extent of what I mean by this, but I feel as though I don't do anything that I find fun or enjoyable anymore, I don't take care of myself the way I should and I don't spend the amount of time on friendships that I wish I could (or housework, or reading or a number of other things).

That's not to say that being a mom isn't the best thing in the world, because it is!  I wouldn't give up one second of my son's life for anything.  But I will say, having a kid is extremely time consuming!  I am constantly racked with guilt about what I am not doing or getting done.  I should work out more.  I should cook more.  I should clean more.  I should read to my son more.  I should spend more time playing with the dog.  I should contact my family and friends more.  I should keep better track of our money.  I should budget more so we can save more.  I should make time for scrapbooking.  I should take and print more pictures.  The list goes on.

I try not to live by the whole 'I should be doing this or that' standard and I know I should just try to enjoy each day as it comes, but I just can't help but feel like I am missing out on some things.  I have mentioned this in several previous posts, but I feel like part of why I feel this way is my commute to work.  It eats up about 2 1/2 hours of my day and it is just out of hand.  I hate that all that time is just gone with nothing to show for it.  The only thing I have been doing in that time is reading.  I know reading is good for me and I do really enjoy rit so it is somewhat enjoyable.  I just wish I could do more with that time.  I feel like it is a waste.

I feel like I have so many unfinished projects at home and it just bugs me to death!  I have my son's scrapbook from his first year, and I am only on month 6 - he is 2 1/2!  That is a huge goal of mine - to get it done by the time he is three.  How pathetic is that?  I know they say people make time for what they want to make time for and that is true.  I enjoy watching tv and browsing around on the internet, so that is what I spend my time doing quite a bit.  I could choose to spend more of the time editing pictures and ordering them so I can complete scrapbooks and I could spend more time cleaning so I keep my home nice but I don't.  I think part of the reason is because I am tired.  It is much easier to come home and plop down and relax after a long day and a long commute.

I think it is true how they say that you choose your own happiness or you choose whether or not you want to be happy.  I think the choices we make are a big deal and I think for the most part, we have no one to blame but ourselves for the choices we make and any resulting happiness/unhappiness from those choices.

I need to choose to do things that are more fulfilling then tv and the internet.  I need to go on a tv strike so I can start doing other things I enjoy.  In fact, I think I am going to.  I just want to feel like I got the most from my evenings and didn't waste them.  Time on weekdays is at a premium so I want to spend it wisely.

Anyway, back to the whole 'finding myself' thing.  I think another part of the reason I feel this way is because I don't know what I want from life.  I don't know if this is the career field I want to stay in or if I want to move on and go back to school or if I want to save up as much as possible to become a stay at home mom again if we decide to have another child.  I don't even know if I want another child!  I feel like I have some decisions to make and some serious thinking to do.  I don't know if I should try to put a deadline on my decisions, but I want to make up my mind.  I am not old by any means, but also don't want to wait another 10 years to decide what to do with my life.  It's just hard being an adult and having to make real life decisions.

I also know that part of being really happy is being healthy.  I am not so healthy right now and am starting to work on it.  I just went to the doctor for the first time in a year and feel like that was a step in the right direction of taking better care of myself.  Now on to the dentist and eye doctor!  Also, I need to get real and finally decide to lose the extra 30 pounds I am carrying.  I think I would feel like a whole new person if I lost the weight once and for all!  I must do it.  I keep telling myself this but have to finally commit.

I suppose that is all for now.  I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head, even if not a single person reads them!


  1. I read them!! And I can identify w/many of the same issues...even being off for the summer, there is NOT enough time for everything I want to do. I am way behind on E's baby book as well. I often feel guilty if I'm scrappin' or sewing when he's watching TV. I'm not sure how it could be better if I sit there w/him watching Max & Ruby, but regardless, I feel guilty...while at the same time I have this crazy URGE to create. I'm really bad at meal prep too and especially w/O out of town...what's the point in cooking ANYTHING for just E and I...i wish I could get carry out everyday for us..but that's not practical either.

    You are not alone. :(

  2. I read them too! I might not always comment, but you should know I am here.

    I understand your lack of time with your commute since I waste the same amount of time each day driving back and forth to work. I try to make the most of my time at home in the evening. I never get to everything I want to do, but I try to do something that's just for me at least once a night.

    My jewelry takes a lot of my time, but I work on it in the living room, so I can spend time with my family.

    Don't feel bad, I'm a lot older than you and still don't know what I want from my life. I just keep trying different things along the way.

    Keep smiling and as K13 said, you're not alone.