The one where I talk about being a diabetic

First, let me being with a few randoms.

-I think it is funny how other bloggers in the blogosphere (or whatever you call it) all use a lot of similar wording or topics or whatever.  My title of this post is to honor all the other great bloggers out there.  This seems to be a super common title - "The one where.......".   I think it is a pretty funny title, so I copied.

-My parents are coming to town this week for another visit - their third visit since we moved here!  I love having family visit as it makes me feel not so far away from home and helps me miss it a little bit less. 

-I have decided to either turn this blog into a blog about me being diabetic or to start a new blog.  I have tried to start other blogs before but never kept up with them up cared about them much.  But this is something I care about.  It is a huge part of me and though it is not all I am about, I feel like if I focus on it a bit more, I will be able to understand myself better and manage my disease better.  Sorry to the two readers who actually read my blog - hopefully this won't send you running for the hills!

-We are looking at new cars.  I think I have mentioned this once before but we are getting more serious.  I know what car I want and though it is nothing fancy, it should be very practical and versatile.  We are looking at getting a Subaru Forrester.  The funny thing is, we have a Subaru already and love it so much so we thought we might get another.  But this time instead of a car, we want a small SUV since you can actually fit quite a bit more in it.  Not that we buy big items a lot, but it sure is nice to have when you do buy something big or bulky.  We had a Jeep before and it was great for this reason.

-On to being diabetic and some things that have been running through my head recently.

I have been a bad diabetic the last, oh 5 years, or basically since I was diagnosed.  In some ways, I have never come to terms with the fact that this disease isn't going anywhere.  I have had some good moments in the last 5 years of taking care of myself, but overall, I have done a super craptastic job.  Let me tell you why.  Because it SUCKS!!!!

I have type 1  diabetes and it bothers me so much when people say 'oh, can you just lose some weight and exercise more to treat it?'  No!!!!  I can't.  I wish I could, but I have to take insulin the rest of my life no matter how skinny or fat I am (unless they cure it in my lifetime, which I am not counting on).  I wish it was different and wish it wasn't me, but wishing it away won't do anything.

I recently realized that something has to change.  So, this is a new me, starting about 2 weeks ago.  I went to the doctor for the first time in a year.  My A1C you ask?  Oh, just 11.8 (most non-diabetic people are at 6.0 or below)!  I knew it would be high, but I don't know if I was prepared to see how high it had gotten.  That's pretty scary.  Especially since I was able to have it down to 5.6 when I was pregnant with my son!  I know it can be done, so why haven't I been doing it?

When I went back to the doctor, I told myself this is it.  This is finally when I am going to take care of myself for the rest of my life.  I am not saying I won't make mistakes or slip up or have a bad day, week or even month, but I won't let it get this bad again.  I can't.  Not if I want to see my sweet little boy grow up and grow old with my husband.

In my doctor's office posted on their wall is a sign that basically says they will let you fail as many times as you have to and they will always support you and help you.  They basically give you permission to be human.  To fail and fall and to get back up again and keep trying.  That is what it is all about.  Constantly working at it.  It will never be easy but it is worth doing.  I love how they have that posted.  It makes me feel like I'm not being judged.  They were super nice at that office too so I am looking forward to going back more often.  I don't want to say I disliked my last doctor, but I feel like she didn't have much time for me.

My life will be changing for the better and it has already started.  I have been testing my blood sugar more often and also, I started a new medication - Symlin.  This has already helped my blood sugar control and I am still on the lowest dose and will probably move up in the dose which will help me even more.  I am probably going to be getting an insulin pump which will also help.  I am the most excited about that and will hopefully have one within a few months.  The doctor wants me to work on being in better control first and then I should be able to get a pump.

I am ready for life to change, to be better.  I have to make the choice.  I have to choose to be healthy and happy and to take care of myself.  I only have one life and one body and should not take it for granted.

This feels weird to say, but I feel like this is a major journey I am on and it feels new in some ways and old in others.  I am just going to do my best and forget the rest (borrowed that one from Tony Horton).  Wish me luck with my journey!

Finding myself

This is going to seem like a cheesy self discovery post, but it's not meant to be that.

I just wanted to put it out there that recenty I've been feeling like somehow I've lost myself.  I think it happened when I had a child.  I don't even know myself the full extent of what I mean by this, but I feel as though I don't do anything that I find fun or enjoyable anymore, I don't take care of myself the way I should and I don't spend the amount of time on friendships that I wish I could (or housework, or reading or a number of other things).

That's not to say that being a mom isn't the best thing in the world, because it is!  I wouldn't give up one second of my son's life for anything.  But I will say, having a kid is extremely time consuming!  I am constantly racked with guilt about what I am not doing or getting done.  I should work out more.  I should cook more.  I should clean more.  I should read to my son more.  I should spend more time playing with the dog.  I should contact my family and friends more.  I should keep better track of our money.  I should budget more so we can save more.  I should make time for scrapbooking.  I should take and print more pictures.  The list goes on.

I try not to live by the whole 'I should be doing this or that' standard and I know I should just try to enjoy each day as it comes, but I just can't help but feel like I am missing out on some things.  I have mentioned this in several previous posts, but I feel like part of why I feel this way is my commute to work.  It eats up about 2 1/2 hours of my day and it is just out of hand.  I hate that all that time is just gone with nothing to show for it.  The only thing I have been doing in that time is reading.  I know reading is good for me and I do really enjoy rit so it is somewhat enjoyable.  I just wish I could do more with that time.  I feel like it is a waste.

I feel like I have so many unfinished projects at home and it just bugs me to death!  I have my son's scrapbook from his first year, and I am only on month 6 - he is 2 1/2!  That is a huge goal of mine - to get it done by the time he is three.  How pathetic is that?  I know they say people make time for what they want to make time for and that is true.  I enjoy watching tv and browsing around on the internet, so that is what I spend my time doing quite a bit.  I could choose to spend more of the time editing pictures and ordering them so I can complete scrapbooks and I could spend more time cleaning so I keep my home nice but I don't.  I think part of the reason is because I am tired.  It is much easier to come home and plop down and relax after a long day and a long commute.

I think it is true how they say that you choose your own happiness or you choose whether or not you want to be happy.  I think the choices we make are a big deal and I think for the most part, we have no one to blame but ourselves for the choices we make and any resulting happiness/unhappiness from those choices.

I need to choose to do things that are more fulfilling then tv and the internet.  I need to go on a tv strike so I can start doing other things I enjoy.  In fact, I think I am going to.  I just want to feel like I got the most from my evenings and didn't waste them.  Time on weekdays is at a premium so I want to spend it wisely.

Anyway, back to the whole 'finding myself' thing.  I think another part of the reason I feel this way is because I don't know what I want from life.  I don't know if this is the career field I want to stay in or if I want to move on and go back to school or if I want to save up as much as possible to become a stay at home mom again if we decide to have another child.  I don't even know if I want another child!  I feel like I have some decisions to make and some serious thinking to do.  I don't know if I should try to put a deadline on my decisions, but I want to make up my mind.  I am not old by any means, but also don't want to wait another 10 years to decide what to do with my life.  It's just hard being an adult and having to make real life decisions.

I also know that part of being really happy is being healthy.  I am not so healthy right now and am starting to work on it.  I just went to the doctor for the first time in a year and feel like that was a step in the right direction of taking better care of myself.  Now on to the dentist and eye doctor!  Also, I need to get real and finally decide to lose the extra 30 pounds I am carrying.  I think I would feel like a whole new person if I lost the weight once and for all!  I must do it.  I keep telling myself this but have to finally commit.

I suppose that is all for now.  I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head, even if not a single person reads them!

I've Lost It!!!!

I can't believe I lost my last blogger account!

I had a blog already - you can check it out here- http://123vests.blogspot.com/

I know that my password was correct and also my security question, but the stupid system says that it is wrong and that they can't identify me and since it is a free service, there is no way you can get help from Google or anyone that works for them.  I have tried filling out the form to get access back several times but it keeps saying they can't identify me.  I almost wonder if someone hacked my account, but nothing else weird has shown up in that regards.

So frustrating.

Anyway, I went ahead and chose a new title for my blog since my last one is still taken.  :(  I wonder if it will sit out there forever or if they shut it down after a while.

It will take a while to get my new blog to where I want it to be as far as pictures and links and other stuff.

I chose this new name, not because we travel or move around a lot, but because that is my mind constantly.  It is all over the map.  I jump from one thing to another, from one thought or idea to another, all without hesitation.  I am a random person by nature and I just can't apologize for it!

I have so many things I could write about.

I look at losing my last blog as a chance to start fresh.  I am going to cover a variety of topics that interest or affect me instead of just general info about me (which I am sure is somewhat boring).

Here are things I want to talk about:

-Parenting and all the fun that comes with it!

-My diabetes - not just about it in general (cause that's just boring) but how I want to work to be healthier.

-My weight.  Always a struggle and if I am accountable and write things down, maybe I can stick with doing something about it.

-My family life.  The dynamic with all three of us and including our extended family.

-Scrapbooking and/or crafts.  I haven't worked on this in months and want to get back to it.
-Work life - while keeping it vague as to not get in trouble!  :)

-Money.  Goals, accomplishments in paying certain things off.  We are ok with money but need to be better.

-Random thoughts in my head (which is what this blog is all about anyway).

-Love and my relationship with my husband.

-Pictures.  I have gotten really bad about taking them and am going to start again soon.  I like to tell a story with them and I need to take more artistic pictures besides just the usual family ones.

-Product reviews.  I am a dork but I love to mention stuff that I love or even sometimes that I hate.

-Anything else I choose to write about.  Hey, it is my blog right?  I will write about whatever, whenever cause that's the way I roll (or something).

Ta ta for now!