I've been thinking a lot lately. I've always been a thinker. Sometimes I get in my own head too much. Anyway, I've been thinking about my life, my job, being a mother and what I want from life going forward.
And all the while, I come up with a lot of 'what if's'. I hate that I think so much sometimes, but I just can't help it. These are the things that have been on my mind.
- What if I never have another child? Will one feel like enough? Will I feel incomplete? Will Xander grow up to be normal with no siblings?
- What if I don't have another baby and never have a daughter? How will I feel? Will I wander through the rest of my life looking at cute dresses and headbands and shoes and think 'I will never get to dress a little girl in this adorable stuff'?
- What if I get fired from my job? I don't think this is something that will really happen, but every once in a while I wonder and I hate this thought. What would I do?
- What if I can never get a really good, long term handle on my diabetes? Will I die young and leave my child without a mother? What will happen if I am in poor control?
- What if Todd loses his job? What would we do? What would he do? Would we survive?
- What if we never move back to Nebraska? Will I be happy here or someone else for the rest of my life? I can't imagine never living in Nebraska again. It's my home and I'm not sure I could stay away forever.
- What if I never really lose the weight I want to lose and stay this size the rest of my life? Can I be happy anyway? Will I always be depressed and feel bad about myself?
- What will I do without my parents and Todd without his parents? I know our parents are aging, but I don't want to think about them getting older or losing any of them. I don't know what we would do.
That's all. I just wanted to get those thoughts out of my head. I know everything will be ok and you can't live you life worrying about the bad things that could happen. We should live each day like it's our last and not worry about the next day. Planning is ok, but dreading is bad. I just need to keep telling myself that.