Right now at this point in my life, I am really debating a lot of things in my head. I think since I am writing this post, one of the main things I am debating is if I want to continue blogging at all. I originally started this blog to just keep an online diary of sorts as many people do. I know it is mostly for myself anyway and I don't mind that hardly anyone reads it, but I just don't know if I feel like I want to continue. I have only written a few posts in the last 6 or 7 months because I feel like I never have time!
The last two years of my life have basically just been crazy, crazy, crazy! Two major moves to different states, 2 new jobs for me, 3 for my husband, and just the normal stuff you do everyday fit in with all of that. Oh, and don't forget the 4 year old and the dog! These two years also included two major illnesses for me that resulted in hospital stays - which of course included large bills also. I told my mom recently that I have never felt so unorganized in my entire life! My office is a mess, my bedroom is a mess, my basement is a mess, the kitchen is a mess. You get the idea. I know a lot of it is laziness on my part, but I also have a husband who doesn't enjoy organizing much. He's good at cleaning, but our house isn't that 'dirty', just messy and unorganized with stuff everywhere.
We moved into this house in December and I have never gotten a handle on all that needs to be done in this house. I do realize getting a house where you want it can take years, partially due to money. I am not rich and cannot just go the store and pick out these pieces of art for the wall and this sofa table and those new lamps and pillows and organizing bins, etc.
A major reason this house isn't organized is because when you start a new job, you don't have a lot of paid time off and unfortunately for me, I get sick more than the average person, so I end up using a lot of my time being sick and laying around doing nothing at home because I am sick. I would love to take a full week off this year sometime and just do house projects and organizing. I don't know if that will happen, especially if we want to take a real vacation. I don't have two full weeks left this year for time off so I will have to choose wisely what I want to do with my time.
Add to all of the above the fact that I am in a job that I do not love, nor like. I've been pretty lucky in the past to work in jobs that I enjoyed, and it's really hard for me to adjust to a job that I have no passion for. I still try to do my best everyday at my job and don't slack off just because I don't enjoy the work. I want to get a promotion or move to a different department and the only way I will get to do that is by being great at what I do now. It's been so draining for me and I come home from work every night and just want to do nothing. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted every day. That in turn makes me want to do nothing around the house, which just adds to my problem daily.
I know I have to be the one to make changes and no one can do it for me, but it is so hard! It's sad because we have a lovely house, but it doesn't look so lovely right now due to the clutter. We are going to have a garage sale in a few weeks to try and get rid of some clutter and also earn a little money. I know I just need to make a decision every day to do a few things to work on my house. Even when I am tired, if I can just tell myself that I need to get 2 things on my to do list done, I will have accomplished something and feel better, even if I only spent 15 minutes.
So back to my list of debatable things. The major things I am debating right now are:
Wanting more children (or should I say, another child - there will not be 'children' or more than one more)
If I want to work full time the rest of my life or try to run my own business/work from home
Prioritizing house projects (we want to do quite a few things to the house but have to decide what is most important)
My health (what am I really going to do - I have to do something, but when and how?)
I am one of those people where my mind rarely turns off and I do have trouble falling asleep sometimes because I think too much. I over analyze things and that gets me in to trouble. When I have too long of a to do list (like I do now) I paralyze myself because I don't know where to start or what the most important thing to do is. I feel so stuck right now and don't feel I know how to get moving.
I feel like someday I will get it together, but it's not today and it's probably not this week. I think it's going to have to start with those to do lists and prioritizing them and then breaking them down into easy pieces. I know myself well enough to know this is the only way I will every get anything done. So, on that note, I better go start working! I will get better at this and I will eventually have my life and my house more organized!!