Happy 4th!

Happy 4th of July! 

I don't have a lot going on today since all of our family and friends are back in Nebraska doing fun stuff including shooting off fireworks while we are here in Colorado where all fireworks are banned.  :(

Todd is also working so I think I am going to take the kiddo to the pool soon.  It opens at 1 and closes at 5 so I think we will go for 2-3 hours, come home and I will shower and get ready for the evening.  We may go out to dinner and then to see one of the few major fireworks displays that was not cancelled in the Denver area.  I understand why they cancelled so many -it's a huge fire risk because it is so dry here, but it still makes me sad for so little going on because I guess that is just what I am used to and fireworks were a tradition for me for years just like it is for a lot of people.

Hope everyone out there has a happy and safe day!

Struggling

All I can say is, I am having issues.  Lots of them.

My health is not the best.  I have been feeling down. 

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't know what to change, or maybe how to change.

I'm in a rut.  Why are things so hard sometimes?  Why can't life just be easy?

I know I'm the one who has to change my attitude and my behavior - no one else will do it for me.

What If????

I've been thinking a lot lately.  I've always been a thinker.  Sometimes I get in my own head too much.  Anyway, I've been thinking about my life, my job, being a mother and what I want from life going forward.

And all the while, I come up with a lot of 'what if's'.  I hate that I think so much sometimes, but I just can't help it.  These are the things that have been on my mind.

- What if I never have another child?  Will one feel like enough?  Will I feel incomplete?  Will Xander grow up to be normal with no siblings?

- What if I don't have another baby and never have a daughter?  How will I feel?  Will I wander through the rest of my life looking at cute dresses and headbands and shoes and think 'I will never get to dress a little girl in this adorable stuff'?

- What if I get fired from my job?  I don't think this is something that will really happen, but every once in a while I wonder and I hate this thought.  What would I do?

- What if I can never get a really good, long term handle on my diabetes?  Will I die young and leave my child without a mother?  What will happen if I am in poor control? 

- What if Todd loses his job?  What would we do?  What would he do?  Would we survive?

- What if we never move back to Nebraska?  Will I be happy here or someone else for the rest of my life?  I can't imagine never living in Nebraska again.  It's my home and I'm not sure I could stay away forever.

- What if I never really lose the weight I want to lose and stay this size the rest of my life?  Can I be happy anyway?  Will I always be depressed and feel bad about myself?

- What will I do without my parents and Todd without his parents?  I know our parents are aging, but I don't want to think about them getting older or losing any of them.  I don't know what we would do.

That's all.  I just wanted to get those thoughts out of my head.  I know everything will be ok and you can't live you life worrying about the bad things that could happen.  We should live each day like it's our last and not worry about the next day.  Planning is ok, but dreading is bad.  I just need to keep telling myself that.

Xander's (super late) 3 year pics

Here is just a sample of the pictures we had taken for Xander's late 3 year pictures.  Actually, we didn't even have 2 year pictures taken of him because that is when we moved to Colorado and it kinda slipped through the cracks.  Oops!  Mom fail right there.

Anyway, the person who took them is my best friend's older sister.  She hasn't been doing pictures that long but she is awesome!  I can't wait to see the rest of them!

They were taken in downtown Lincoln, Nebraska in the Haymarket.  I thought that would be an awesome place for some pictures and as you can see, they did turn out great!

Can I Keep It??

This was in my garage last night when I got home from Nebraska. Only a $42,000 car!! I wish we could keep it, but alas, it was just for a test drive. We are going to look into a few different cars and we will eventually get one, just not yet. I do love nice cars though!

Friday thoughts

So glad it is Friday, but it has already been a busy one!

We are having a garage sale today and Todd is working it today and then tomorrow we will both work it. Hoping to clear a lot of junk!!

The weekend is supposed to be nice and cool but there is supposed to be some rain so we will see how that works with our garage sale.

Here's a few random pictures that I wanted to share.


Xander wearing a Santa hat in May (and yes in a pull up - still not potty trained fully - argh).

Sitting in a box.  Silly boy.

Playing with my cleaning gloves in our messy living room.

Jumping on his new trampoline!

Looking goofy when we went out to dinner last week.

Just me and my buddy!

Shopping with mommy and daddy at the outlet malls.

New patio set

We finally got a small patio set this weekend which is something we've wanted for a while! We waited and this set went on mega clearance and we also got Todd's discount so it was an awesome deal! Finally a place to sit and relax in the evenings or while the kiddo plays outside. I wasn't originally thinking I would want something with much color but I really like the blue!