Debating....

Right now at this point in my life, I am really debating a lot of things in my head.  I think since I am writing this post, one of the main things I am debating is if I want to continue blogging at all.  I originally started this blog to just keep an online diary of sorts as many people do.  I know it is mostly for myself anyway and I don't mind that hardly anyone reads it, but I just don't know if I feel like I want to continue.  I have only written a few posts in the last 6 or 7 months because I feel like I never have time!

The last two years of my life have basically just been crazy, crazy, crazy!  Two major moves to different states, 2 new jobs for me, 3 for my husband, and just the normal stuff you do everyday fit in with all of that.  Oh, and don't forget the 4 year old and the dog!  These two years also included two major illnesses for me that resulted in hospital stays - which of course included large bills also.  I told my mom recently that I have never felt so unorganized in my entire life!  My office is a mess, my bedroom is a mess, my basement is a mess, the kitchen is a mess.  You get the idea.  I know a lot of it is laziness on my part, but I also have a husband who doesn't enjoy organizing much.  He's good at cleaning, but our house isn't that 'dirty', just messy and unorganized with stuff everywhere.

We moved into this house in December and I have never gotten a handle on all that needs to be done in this house.  I do realize getting a house where you want it can take years, partially due to money.  I am not rich and cannot just go the store and pick out these pieces of art for the wall and this sofa table and those new lamps and pillows and organizing bins, etc.

A major reason this house isn't organized is because when you start a new job, you don't have a lot of paid time off and unfortunately for me, I get sick more than the average person, so I end up using a lot of my time being sick and laying around doing nothing at home because I am sick.  I would love to take a full week off this year sometime and just do house projects and organizing.  I don't know if that will happen, especially if we want to take a real vacation.  I don't have two full weeks left this year for time off so I will have to choose wisely what I want to do with my time.

Add to all of the above the fact that I am in a job that I do not love, nor like.  I've been pretty lucky in the past to work in jobs that I enjoyed, and it's really hard for me to adjust to a job that I have no passion for.  I still try to do my best everyday at my job and don't slack off just because I don't enjoy the work.  I want to get a promotion or move to a different department and the only way I will get to do that is by being great at what I do now.  It's been so draining for me and I come home from work every night and just want to do nothing.  I feel emotionally and physically exhausted every day.  That in turn makes me want to do nothing around the house, which just adds to my problem daily.

I know I have to be the one to make changes and no one can do it for me, but it is so hard!  It's sad because we have a lovely house, but it doesn't look so lovely right now due to the clutter.  We are going to have a garage sale in a few weeks to try and get rid of some clutter and also earn a little money.  I know I just need to make a decision every day to do a few things to work on my house.  Even when I am tired, if I can just tell myself that I need to get 2 things on my to do list done, I will have accomplished something and feel better, even if I only spent 15 minutes.

So back to my list of debatable things.  The major things I am debating right now are:

This blog
My job
Wanting more children (or should I say, another child - there will not be 'children' or more than one more)
If I want to work full time the rest of my life or try to run my own business/work from home
Prioritizing house projects (we want to do quite a few things to the house but have to decide what is most important)
My health (what am I really going to do - I have to do something, but when and how?)

I am one of those people where my mind rarely turns off and I do have trouble falling asleep sometimes because I think too much.  I over analyze things and that gets me in to trouble.  When I have too long of a to do list (like I do now) I paralyze myself because I don't know where to start or what the most important thing to do is.  I feel so stuck right now and don't feel I know how to get moving.

I feel like someday I will get it together, but it's not today and it's probably not this week.  I think it's going to have to start with those to do lists and prioritizing them and then breaking them down into easy pieces.  I know myself well enough to know this is the only way I will every get anything done.  So, on that note, I better go start working!  I will get better at this and I will eventually have my life and my house more organized!!

Struggling

All I can say is, I am having issues.  Lots of them.

My health is not the best.  I have been feeling down. 

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't know what to change, or maybe how to change.

I'm in a rut.  Why are things so hard sometimes?  Why can't life just be easy?

I know I'm the one who has to change my attitude and my behavior - no one else will do it for me.

I'm Still Here

So I've really gotten out of this whole 'blogging' thing recently.  It feels like everything else has come first. 

I have so much going on that when I even think about writing, something else comes up.

Here I sit, the day after Easter with a sick kiddo.  He has pink eye and some form of cold I think.  I am planning on taking him to the doctor and working from home later.  It's good to be able to work from home, but bad timing for Xander to be sick because I have an audit coming up in two weeks and have so much to do!  I don't think we are going to be completely ready even if I work a million hours before then.

Anyway, I have so many things I want to do with my 'free' time but I really won't have much for the next 3-4 weeks due to work.  After that, I am finally taking some time off.  I want to take a week off of work to just sleep in, do work around the house and just do things I want to do which includes shopping for lots of household stuff like paint, decorations and some outdoor decor items too.  I never have to really browse and I want to look at stores during the week when it's not such a zoo so I have time and things aren't so rushed.  I feel like my project list is about a mile long.  While not all of the things on the list are must do items, many of them are things I really want to do sooner than later and have been on my list for a while.

I know I have said this before, but now we have lived in our house for over a year and I feel like it is not really even close to what I want it to look like.  Granted, everything I want to do or change takes money and even if I had the time, it's not like we may have had the money for all of it, but I know I could have done a lot of things by now if I had more time to plan.  I'm just ready for a break. 

In other life news, this is totally TMI, but Xander is mostly potty trained now (he was pretty slow to learn) but the funny part is, he has the number 2 down better than the number 1 and that usually comes later!  Either way, he is close and I am proud of his progress.  We changed daycares a few weeks ago and I think the old daycare was part of the reason he wasn't doing so well.  Hard to explain, but he has been doing much better at the new place.

Otherwise, life is just busy!  I had posted previously about the project life kits I had gotten but I haven't barely touched them and I haven't printed a single picture for the year yet (yikes - I am over three months behind), but I feel like it wouldn't take long to catch up, which is part of why I want some time off so bad.  I want to be able to catch up on scrapbooks along with all of my house projects.

I plan to write more in the near future, but we will see.

Project Life kits!

I got my two Becky Higgins project life kits today. Woohoo!! I have been terrible about doing scrapbooks the last year or so and I'm hoping these kits make it easier. I just need two albums and some of the page protectors. They are out of some of the ones I want so I will have to wait for them to come in but there are a couple of styles I can order now. Can't wait to start!

Oh and I ordered the cobalt and amber kits.

Not going so well

I feel like 2012 is already off to a bad start, but I know it can get better.

I woke up with a stomach ache.
I realized that I basically just threw $100+ down the toilet because I didn't use my contact lens prescription benefit before the year was over so I lost it.
I'm so slow getting going that I haven't gotten anything done today.  I have so much I want to get done.

I know those are just minor annoyances, but the money one gets me.  When you are resolving to be smarter about money, stuff like the above mentioned situation just sucks.

I know things could always be worse and I am looking forward to things going better and making better decisions and choosing to stay positive this year.

To make sure I am actually getting stuff done that I need to get done, I am going to quit wasting time on the computer now and go be more productive.  :)

It's what day again???

Barely hanging on.

Exhausted.

Behind on everything.

The above words are all I can say about life right now.  But it will get better and soon!  It has been hard though and I am so tired.  I haven't been this tired since the first trimester of my pregnancy!

Anyway, I got the promotion I was working so hard for and now we just have to hire someone to fill my spot.  Once that happens, things WILL get better!

For now, I am just getting by.  Just enough sleep, just enough to eat, just enough cleaning done so mold isn't growing in our house (haha), just enough work each day to keep everyone from yelling at me (even after working for 10-11 hours most days).

I'm here, I am surviving and doing pretty well, but I look forward to when things slow down a bit so I can breathe again and actually do some things I want to do, not just stuff I have to do!

Places I'd Like To Go

So I've been dreaming about vacations recently, mostly because I need one bad!!

I can dream about a super fancy, super expensive vacation, but since it is not in our budget at this time, I am aiming for a few more modest destinations.

Here are my top three to visit in the next year:


Las Vegas!!!!

The Grand Canyon/Santa Fe/Albuquerque

San Diego

A girl can dream, right???

Diabetes Lesson of the Day

I went to the doctor today and got my newest A1C - 6.2%!!!!  Woohoo!  My last one was over 11 about 3 months ago and I have been busting my butt to get it in control and it has worked!

I am on a journey to take better care of myself and I feel like the more I educate myself, the better I will do.  Not that anyone cares but I find the science behind Diabetes pretty fascinating.

I copied the following from Wikipedia as to how Type 1 Diabetics become Diabetic in the first place and some other interesting facts.

"Diabetes type 1 is caused by the destruction of enough beta cells to produce symptoms; these cells, which are found in the Islets of Langerhans in the pancreas, produce and secrete insulin, the single hormone responsible for allowing glucose to enter from the blood into cells (in addition to the hormone amylin, another hormone required for glucose homeostasis). Hence, the phrase "curing diabetes type 1" means "causing a maintenance or restoration of the endogenous ability of the body to produce insulin in response to the level of blood glucose" and cooperative operation with counterregulatory hormones."

"Most people who develop type 1 are otherwise healthy.^[5] Although the cause of type 1 diabetes is still not fully understood it is believed to be of immunological origin."

"Evidence so far indicates that the development of diabetes type I is induced by more or less a combination of genetic susceptibility, a diabetogenic trigger and exposure to a driving antigen.^[8] Many risk factors have been suggested, and there is ongoing research into the influence of environmental factors. There is also research being conducted on individual factors, and whether some may be regarded as sufficient to cause the disease by themselves or only in addition to other risk factors."

"Type 1 diabetes is not currently preventable.^[22] Still, promising therapies are emerging, and it has been suggested that, in the future, diabetes type 1 may be prevented at the latent autoimmune stage, probably by a combination therapy of several methods."

"Diabetes mellitus type 1 (Type 1 diabetes, IDDM, or, formerly, juvenile diabetes) is a form of diabetes mellitus that results from autoimmune destruction of insulin-producing beta cells of the pancreas.^[2] The subsequent lack of insulin leads to increased blood and urine glucose. The classical symptoms are polyuria (frequent urination), polydipsia (increased thirst), polyphagia (increased hunger), and weight loss.^[3]"

I don't understand a lot of the terms myself but I have a basic understanding of how I got the disease and obviously how to treat it. 

And there you have it.  It's not preventable, it's treatable but not by diet alone and I will have to take insulin the rest of my life unless there is a cure.  Knowledge is power people!

9-11

I know I am a day late, but wanted to post what I feel about yesterday.

I remember where I was when I heard about the attacks- I think most people do.

I was working a temp job at an insurance company in Lincoln, NE at the time.  I was 18, almost 19.  My life was not what I wanted it to be then anyway and this event made me even more confused and unsure of life.

I remember someone I work with telling me what happened and then we all got up and went to the TV in the break room to watch.  I just couldn't believe it.  How could something like that happen?

I also remember walking out of that temp job shortly after that happened (within a few weeks).  It was all too much to deal with and the job wasn't something I wanted to do long term anyway.

It's weird because even though I remember hearing about it for the first time, I really don't recall much about it from the weeks and months after it happened and looking back now and some of the pictures and stories, they amaze me because they are the first time I had heard or seen them!

What also gets me is that there are people out there who think it was an inside job.  How can you think our government is so evil that they would do this to their own country?  Sick.  But what's funny is when I hear people say stuff like that, I want to look into it and see why they think it was an inside job and what 'evidence' they supposedly have.  I would need to read a lot more about the logistics before I could ever say for sure, but for now I refuse to believe that nonsense.

Anyway, my heart goes out to all who were affected by that awful day and I hope nothing like that ever happens again.  I will never forget about that day.

Out of touch

I feel so out of it, like I have no idea what is going on in the world since I have been working so much.  I feel like I must be missing something.

I keep thinking 'did I remember to pay all of my bills?' and 'have I missed any appointments?' or 'whose birthday have I missed?'

It's not going to get better soon.  Probably at least two months until things slow down a little bit at work and I start working less.  There are days that I feel so overwhelmed with everything I have to do that I literally feel like I am going to throw up.  Not nauseous, but like I am just going to suddenly barf.  It is the weirdest feeling.

I am so tired an exhausted and I am surprised I haven't gotten sick yet.  I am just waiting for it.  I hope I don't get sick but feel like I will.  On top of this all, I am trying to stay on top of my diabetes and am hoping to get an insulin pump soon which will bring a new set of challenges.

I am ready for these next few months to be over with so I feel more caught up on life and not so out of it all the time.

A 3 day weekend???

I have my post title with question marks because I am not sure if this holiday weekend will be a full weekend for me or not.  I am trying to decide if I will come into work this weekend or if I will just let it all go and hope that when I get back on Tuesday that I don't start out super behind.

The other thing I might do is take some work home so I can get stuff done without actually having to come into work. 

Right now I have a ton of stuff to do at home and I feel like my personal life is chaos due to me working so much and trying to get the promotion I am going for.

I am hoping the hiring process goes quick so my stress level improves and the crazy long hours I am working go away.

I am excited for the opportunity but also drained with how much I have been working.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

- I don't do random Tuesday thoughts very often but actually got my post on the right day this time!

- I posted before that my boss quit a few weeks ago and life has been crazy ever since then.  I work in a three person department and we are losing one temporarily so there will be a lot of extra work in the next few months.  I have been working extra hours and taking work home with me almost everyday and I don't see that changing anytime soon.  I am excited for the potential promotion that may come from this but also nervous about the major responsibility that comes with it also.

- We went to Ikea last night and I found the cutest bunk bed that I want to buy for my son!  It is kind of expensive but it's super cute and I would love to get it for him.  He is 33 months and at this point is still in his crib!  The reason we haven't converted his crib to a bed is because he doesn't try to climb out of his crib yet and we know if we switch him to a bed before it's necessary, we will have mega bedtime struggles with getting him to stay in bed.  I know we will still have those issues once we do switch him over but we are delaying that fight as long as we can.

- On the subject of my son, he is absolutely obsessed with trains these days!  Thomas in particular but he likes almost any train.  We bought him an inexpensive train and track set from Ikea last night.  That was his first train set as he has some small trains, but no tracks or any other pieces.  For his birthday/Christmas, we are going to get him some more train stuff since he will be 3 and I know he would love to have more.  I am going to try to get him some cool stuff without spending a fortune.  We will see how that goes.

- I always have good intentions of wanting to work out, eat super well and be healthier, but now that I have been so busy, it has been even harder than before.  I want to work out so bad but feel like I literally have three hours or less a day in free time.  I get up way earlier that before right now so there is no way I will do a workout in the morning.  Most days I am not getting home before 6 and because I have been getting up so early, I am trying to go to bed by 9 or a little after most nights.  That leaves three hours or less to have dinner, do any chores around the house that are needed, give my son a bath, get him dinner, get him ready for bed and spend time with him reading or playing.  Oh and not to mention getting any work done that I bring home.  I am really not trying to make excuses at this point but they are basically built in right now. 

- I don't like to think too much about the money part of a promotion or a job because I don't want to get my sights fixed on it too much in case it doesn't work out.  But if I stop and think about this promotion that I am going for and the raise that would come along with it, I can't help but think about it and how it would affect my family.   A raise is always nice and in some ways, I already have plans for things we need to/want to do with extra money.  Again, trying not to get ahead of myself but it's hard to not think about it even a little bit.

- Pictures!  I can't even tell you how many thousands of pictures we have on our computer that I have never ordered.  I literally haven't printed one picture from probably the last year or more.  I always make excuses and never seem to find the time, but memories are important to me and I want to get some albums together soon if it kills me!  The problem is, I have some vacation time I can use up, but we are going to use some of those days for a trip back to Nebraska this fall so I won't be at home where I could do anything with pictures if I wanted.  The other days I have I want to save for the holidays to spend time with my son and do Christmas shopping, baking and other fun holiday things.  No time for pictures once again.  I guess I need to make it a priority on weekends to get it done.

- My diabetes management has been going much better now that it was a few months ago.  I am being a lot more careful about my medicine and testing my blood sugar and am excited to see how my next doctor's appointment goes.  I also am excited to get an insulin pump soon, but it will have to wait a little longer right now.

- Hoping this week goes well and I don't stress too much or get sick.  I was sure I was getting sick last week due to the stress I am under at work but so far so good.  I am excited for Labor day as it will be my first day off in a while and I will really need it by then with the way things have been going.

Balance

I'm not doing so well finding it.

This has been a tough last two weeks and it will probably get harder before it gets easier.  I am exhausted and I feel like I have at least 2-3 more months of similar work hours/stress before it will get better.  I know I will end up super sick if I'm not careful.

I am just going to do the best I can to try to keep my stress in check and to get enough sleep.  I feel like all I have done for the last week or so is work and sleep.  It's kind of sad. 

I just want more time with my baby so no matter what, this weekend I won't go into work like I did last weekend and I will take very little, if any, work home with me this weekend.

I'm excited for what might happen with my job but unsure and also stressed.  I think exercise would probably help but I am so exhausted and nauseous feeling every night that it's the last thing on my mind.

I think I am going to try to make a plan this weekend for the next several weeks and try to set myself up on a good schedule so I feel in control.  Also, I need to make serious to do lists so nothing falls through the cracks as they easily could since I am so distracted.

It will all be over eventually, but for now I have to take it one day at a time.

A new week is coming

Since it is Sunday night (about my least favorite time of week other than Monday morning) I thought I would just mention that this week I am going to try to look at the new week different than in weeks past.

New chances, new opportunities, a clean slate.  All that happy stuff.  I am not sure how much I believe it, but I want to feel it and to be able to have a positive attitude.  I hate Monday's and I live for the weekend, where my time is my own.

I want this week to be the start of some changes.  I want every week, even every day to be the start of some changes, but this week I have actually thought ahead.

I am going to get many things on my to do list done.  I am going to work out a few days this week.  I am going to plan some of my meals in advance so I save money, eat better and can better manager my blood sugar better.

I've already done more on this Sunday than I do on most Sunday's so I already feel accomplished for the week and it hasn't even started.  I am also about to go down to my basement and work out and that is also a good start to my week.

I can do better.  I can get things done that I want to get done.  I can be healthier and lose weight.  And I'm going to. 

Diabetes and me

I am struggling to figure out how to make my diabetes a main focus of my life.....for the rest of my life.

I know it is not everything, but it is such a big part of me and can't be ignored if I want to be healthy and not die young.  I want to take care of myself, but it has been so hard.  I am only now doing what I should have been doing for the last 5 year.

I have had major ups and downs with my disease.  I have had good control for a while, but of the 5 years I have had diabetes, I have only had good control for less than 2 years of that time.  Terrible.

So now I have to figure out how to make it all work.  I don't think there is one answer to this.  I think this is going to be an ongoing challenge, probably for the rest of my life.

Right now I am in transition.  Transitioning to eating better, taking insulin more, testing more often and starting a new medicine.  I will eventually get an insulin pump (hopefully in the next month or two) and will continue to be in this phase until I have that all figured out.  I know I won't have everything magically figured out once I get my pump, but I think it will improve things for the better.

So now I am just taking it day by day.  Struggling more days than not.  Trying to make the right choices and eat the right things and test my blood sugar enough.

That's all I can do and I just have to hope it all works out and things continue to go well and hopefully get easier for me as time goes on.

Feeling good....most of the time

So, since I've started my new medicine, my blood sugar numbers have been awesome!  I have only had one or two bad readings since starting Symlin and overall, have been rocking my bg control!  I am so excited because it had been so hard to control my blood sugar numbers before and this new medicine makes it so much easier on me.  It almost feels effortless to keep my blood sugar in control now and that is the best feeling in the world and something I have never experienced before!

I also have noticed that when I take Symlin, I truly feel less hungry.  That is supposed to be one of the benefits of the medicine and I have been being very careful not to read into any symptom or feeling too much and have it not be real or be imagined.  But this really does work!  Now I get it all of a sudden. The light bulb went on.

I realize how thin people are thin (aside from simple self control and possibly genetics).  They actually feel somewhat full and don't keep eating after eating a normal sized meal or a healthy, smaller portion.  I had small serving of oatmeal and a cup of yogurt this morning for breakfast and actually felt full, and didn't even feel hungry at lunch time!  If I had eaten that exact amount before starting this medicine, I would have never felt full, would have wanted more food and would have felt hungry again by 11.  This is the strangest feeling to me.

Now I need to use this 'full' feeling to my advantage and make sure I always eat the healthy food first and then if I still have room, have a snack after a meal.  The good news is, I don't feel hungry after a meal so it feels like I can skip the dessert or snack and hopefully it will eventually help me lose weight!  That is one of the ultimate goals of this medicine.

My doctor didn't tell me I should lose weight, but I know better.  I think they know that should be a benefit of getting on and staying on this medicine.  I also have to make an effort, but for once I feel like I have my body working for me and not against me.  I know I can live a healthier life and a long life if I take care of myself and stick with it.  It is hard to think about the alternative.  I want to live a long time for my husband and son and the rest of my family.

I will say there are a few side effects of the medicine but none are major.  I have noticed a little bit of congestion and dizzy feeling since taking it and just since yesterday when I increased my dose, I have felt just a little bit of nausea.  Nothing major.  Just small things that are not worth giving up the medicine for.

Hoping this good feeling and great blood sugar control continues since I am loving it!

The one where I talk about being a diabetic

First, let me being with a few randoms.

-I think it is funny how other bloggers in the blogosphere (or whatever you call it) all use a lot of similar wording or topics or whatever.  My title of this post is to honor all the other great bloggers out there.  This seems to be a super common title - "The one where.......".   I think it is a pretty funny title, so I copied.

-My parents are coming to town this week for another visit - their third visit since we moved here!  I love having family visit as it makes me feel not so far away from home and helps me miss it a little bit less. 

-I have decided to either turn this blog into a blog about me being diabetic or to start a new blog.  I have tried to start other blogs before but never kept up with them up cared about them much.  But this is something I care about.  It is a huge part of me and though it is not all I am about, I feel like if I focus on it a bit more, I will be able to understand myself better and manage my disease better.  Sorry to the two readers who actually read my blog - hopefully this won't send you running for the hills!

-We are looking at new cars.  I think I have mentioned this once before but we are getting more serious.  I know what car I want and though it is nothing fancy, it should be very practical and versatile.  We are looking at getting a Subaru Forrester.  The funny thing is, we have a Subaru already and love it so much so we thought we might get another.  But this time instead of a car, we want a small SUV since you can actually fit quite a bit more in it.  Not that we buy big items a lot, but it sure is nice to have when you do buy something big or bulky.  We had a Jeep before and it was great for this reason.

-On to being diabetic and some things that have been running through my head recently.

I have been a bad diabetic the last, oh 5 years, or basically since I was diagnosed.  In some ways, I have never come to terms with the fact that this disease isn't going anywhere.  I have had some good moments in the last 5 years of taking care of myself, but overall, I have done a super craptastic job.  Let me tell you why.  Because it SUCKS!!!!

I have type 1  diabetes and it bothers me so much when people say 'oh, can you just lose some weight and exercise more to treat it?'  No!!!!  I can't.  I wish I could, but I have to take insulin the rest of my life no matter how skinny or fat I am (unless they cure it in my lifetime, which I am not counting on).  I wish it was different and wish it wasn't me, but wishing it away won't do anything.

I recently realized that something has to change.  So, this is a new me, starting about 2 weeks ago.  I went to the doctor for the first time in a year.  My A1C you ask?  Oh, just 11.8 (most non-diabetic people are at 6.0 or below)!  I knew it would be high, but I don't know if I was prepared to see how high it had gotten.  That's pretty scary.  Especially since I was able to have it down to 5.6 when I was pregnant with my son!  I know it can be done, so why haven't I been doing it?

When I went back to the doctor, I told myself this is it.  This is finally when I am going to take care of myself for the rest of my life.  I am not saying I won't make mistakes or slip up or have a bad day, week or even month, but I won't let it get this bad again.  I can't.  Not if I want to see my sweet little boy grow up and grow old with my husband.

In my doctor's office posted on their wall is a sign that basically says they will let you fail as many times as you have to and they will always support you and help you.  They basically give you permission to be human.  To fail and fall and to get back up again and keep trying.  That is what it is all about.  Constantly working at it.  It will never be easy but it is worth doing.  I love how they have that posted.  It makes me feel like I'm not being judged.  They were super nice at that office too so I am looking forward to going back more often.  I don't want to say I disliked my last doctor, but I feel like she didn't have much time for me.

My life will be changing for the better and it has already started.  I have been testing my blood sugar more often and also, I started a new medication - Symlin.  This has already helped my blood sugar control and I am still on the lowest dose and will probably move up in the dose which will help me even more.  I am probably going to be getting an insulin pump which will also help.  I am the most excited about that and will hopefully have one within a few months.  The doctor wants me to work on being in better control first and then I should be able to get a pump.

I am ready for life to change, to be better.  I have to make the choice.  I have to choose to be healthy and happy and to take care of myself.  I only have one life and one body and should not take it for granted.

This feels weird to say, but I feel like this is a major journey I am on and it feels new in some ways and old in others.  I am just going to do my best and forget the rest (borrowed that one from Tony Horton).  Wish me luck with my journey!

30 by 30...revisions and updates.

I started my '30 by 30' list back in either 2008 or early 2009.  I will be honest and say I haven't done much on the list yet.  So, my executive decision is to remove some of the goals and replace them with others because some of them are either not physically or financially possible. 


Anyway, here is the original list and some of the updates to it.  At the end of the list, I will note which ones I am removing and what I am adding and come up with my new list.  I really would like to accomplish as many of these as possible by October 23, 2012, my 30th birthday!


The original text/goals are in BLACK.  The previous updates to the goals are in BLUE and the most current updates are in RED.


Here goes:

1. Get a tattoo. Still want to do this one.
2. Lose 30 pounds - On my way. I am down about 10 or 11 pounds. I actually did this last year but have gained some back - time to get back to it! 7/11 update - still down about 20 overall from this goal, but would like to get to my goal weight, which is about 25-28 pounds down from where I am now.  Need a plan.
3. Scrapbook my son's first year of life - Doing ok on this, need to catch up though. Still need to finish this! 7/11 - Ugh.  Still not done!  Have a plan for this one though.  My kid is 2 1/2!
4. Go on a hiking trip. I think we will do this soon now that we live in Colorado! Yay!  One that we have done!  We went hiking earlier this year.  It wasn't a super long trip but it was a couple of hours!  I would like to go on more hiking trips and I think we will.
5. Get family pictures taken - plan on doing this when Xander turns 1. Booo. I never did this but had scheduled this last fall and then we moved before our appointment. Soon. 7/11 - We haven't had a single professional family picture since our son was born, but this is a top priority for me, especially by Christmas this year.
6. Start playing piano again. Not yet, but want to buy a piano for our new house. 7/11 - Still haven't done this but we have no place for a piano in our new house, so I was thinking about getting a keyboard.  We'll see.
7. Start swimming again. Still haven't started this, not sure if I will since we are in a contract with a gym that doesn't have a pool.
8. Do another scrapbook of some sort besides Xander's baby scrapbook - also working on this. I've started a few but need to finish these. I plan to once we move into our house. 7/11 - Still haven't done this, but am motivated to do start/finish.
9. Visit two states that I haven't been to yet.  Haven't done this yet, but we want to go to Vegas this fall so that would be one state we haven't been to.  We also want to visit New Mexico or Arizona in the next year.
10. Be able to run 3 miles without stopping. I got close back in 2009 but gotten back into running for a while.  7/11 - Haven't attempted this again.  Thinking about dropping this goal.
11. Read at least 25 of these novels.  I realized this link doesn't even exist anymore, so will try to find the list, but I think I have read one or two of these so far.
12. Have my A1C level below 6.5 for 1 straight year.  Haven't done this to date, but am on my way.  Working on taking better care of myself.  I think I will up the goal to 7.0 or lower since that is more realistic.
13. Have our second child if we decide to have another. Probably not going to happen before 30 but who knows!  7/11 - Won't happen before I am 30 unless it is a 'surprise' more than likely, if at all.
14. Have at least one car that is paid off.  Hmmm, sad to say, but this won't happen either.
15. Travel overseas, preferably to France/Spain. Also won't happen unless something dramatic happens with our finances.  That's ok though.  This can be a longer term goal.
16. Have made at least one cake with fondant and be able to say it turned out well.  I'm going to scrap this one from the list since I just don't care about it that much.
17. Win a photo hunt contest like this one. Just one picture needs to win for me to be happy!  No winning here, but had a picture or two chosen of mine that were in the top 5.  Not sure if I will continue with these but I do like to take pictures and want to get better at it.
18. Sew at least one article of clothing from scratch.  Also scrapping this one since I don't have the time and just don't care that much to do this.
19. Have hair longer than my shoulder for once in the last 10 years! Yay!! I did this one - and recently chopped it all off!  Growing my hair out again now so unless I chop it off again, it should be longer again soon.haven't
20. Go to a pro football game.  Planning on it this fall now that we live in a city with a pro team.
21. Go to a pro basketball game.  Also planning on this since we live in a city with a pro team.
22. Go to a pro hockey game.  See response to last two.  Also planning on it.23. Run a half marathon.  Thinking of scrapping this one.  Not sure this is realistic with my work schedule.
24. Pass my series 53 test. Woohoo!  Done as of February 2011.  Maybe my next goal is to get my 4 or 3/31.
25. Go back to college (as to when I finish, that is up in the air). No progress here.
26. Get invisalign (have wanted this for years).  No progress either, but there have been more serious talks about this, so a good possibility.
27. Hike a 14er (not to be confused with my general goal of going on a hiking trip).  We have talked about this recently and want to work on getting in better shape so we can hike one this year still.
28. Go to Las Vegas.  Planning on going this fall.
29. Have my home fully decorated (so I don't feel like there are any rooms unfinished).  Well, since we moved into a new house since I started this list, it might be harder since decorating costs money, but we already have a couple of rooms done.  I would like to stick with this goal though.
30. Crochet something that looks good.  Again, don't care that much about this one so will scrap it.


So there you have it.  I am going to list the goals that I am getting rid of and any I am modifying as well as adding new goals and then I will make the new list again at the bottom.


Modifying #12.  I don't think being under 6.5 for my A1C is all that realistic for me, especially since I am so high right now.  I think 7 is a more realistic goal.


The goals I am scrapping are #'s 7,13,14,15,16,17,18,23 and 30.  I am going to make some new goals and number them with the above numbers for the goals I removed.


New #7 - Take photography 'lessons' online.  To me this means doing a ton of research and watching videos to get much better at taking pictures and also editing them.


New #13 - Organize my office and get a new desk/hutch.  Our office is a mess and I want to get it organized once and for all and have filing cabinets and to have a place for everything.  We also have a glass top desk and that is just not working anymore.  Time for a wooden desk.


New #14 - Get through a full round of P90X.  I did pretty well with this last year but want to start doing it again.  I feel awesome when I do these workouts and want to make it through one full round, even if I don't follow the nutrition to a T. 


New #15 - Get an insulin pump.  I am on my way to doing this.  I have awesome insurance that pays for most of it and my doctor wants me working on taking better care of myself first and after a few months, if I am doing well, he will recommend I get one.  I have to admit I am nervous about getting one and using it, but I know once I get going I won't want to go back.

New #16 - Try out a digital scrapbook.  You upload your pictures online and choose pre-made backgrounds and then add you pictures to the pages, place your order and the company prints the pages for you and you assemble the book when they are shipped to you.  I think this would be an easier, guilt free way for me to document some pictures and some of our life.

New #17 - Create a slide show of pictures for Xander's third birthday.  I know we probably won't have anyone come out here for Xander's third birthday but I still want to document the first three years of his life in a nice way and save it on our computer so we can look at it from time to time.  I am sure I will post it on here as well.

New #18 - Do one other fun activity that I haven't done before or in quite a while.  I haven't determined what it will be yet, but something like riding horses or white water rafting, riding a gondola or going skiing or tubing at a ski resort.  Something fun with good memories.

New #23 - Go on a roller coaster again.  I don't think I have been on one since high school and I love them!  Now we live in a city with a major theme park so this shouldn't be too hard.

New #30 - Visit a winery here in Colorado.  This will be harder now that we have a child, but we had so much fun in Napa that I am sure we would love doing this!


So here is the new list, all put together.  It will be marked in blue if it is completely done.  If it is in progress, partially done or not done at all, it will be normal text.

1. Get a tattoo.
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Scrapbook my son's first year of life.
4. Go on a hiking trip.
5. Get family pictures taken.
6. Start playing piano again.
7. Take photography 'lessons' online.  To me this means doing a ton of research and watching videos to get much better at taking pictures and also editing them.
8. Do another scrapbook of some sort besides Xander's baby scrapbook.
9. Visit two states that I haven't been to yet. 
10. Be able to run 3 miles without stopping.
11. Read at least 25 classic novels. 
12. Have my A1C level below 7.0 for 1 straight year. 
13. Organize my office and get a new desk/hutch. 
14. Get through a full round of P90X. 
15. Get an insulin pump. 
16. Try out a digital scrapbook. 
17. Create a slide show of pictures for Xander's third birthday. 
18. Do one other fun activity that I haven't done before or in quite a while.  I haven't determined what it will be yet, but something like riding horses or white water rafting, riding a gondola or going skiing or tubing at a ski resort.  Something fun with good memories.
19. Have hair longer than my shoulder for once in the last 10 years!
20. Go to a pro football game. 
21. Go to a pro basketball game. 
22. Go to a pro hockey game. 
23. Go on a roller coaster again. 
24. Pass my series 4 test.
25. Go back to college (as to when I finish, that is up in the air).
26. Get invisalign.
27. Hike a 14er (not to be confused with my general goal of going on a hiking trip). 
28. Go to Las Vegas. 
29. Have my home fully decorated (so I don't feel like there are any rooms unfinished). 
30. Visit a winery here in Colorado. 

A fun weekend......

And I want it back!!!

I have a mega case of the Monday's today and nothing has brought me out of my funk so far.  I am tired and cranky and don't wanna work.

The good news is, I had a great weekend! 

My in-laws were here this weekend along with my two nephews.  We went to a fun restaurant on Friday night and to Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs on Saturday.  Random side note - I saw this girl that I went to high school with and was on swim team with back in Nebraska - at Chik-Fil-A in Colorado Springs.  How weird is that?  I guess I knew she lived there, but it's not a tiny town and the chances of running into her were pretty small, but I did!

Anyway, the family left on Sunday morning and Todd and I decided to get out of the house again and we took Xander to Tiny Town - a little railroad play place for kids in Morrison (kinda in the foothills of the mountains).  I think Xander had a lot of fun and even went on a train ride!  When we were done, we decided to just start driving West on 285 and after a while, we realized that Breckenridge wasn't much further, so we went there!  It was beautiful minus some rain when we first got there.  The drive up there was breathtaking and there was still some snow on the high mountains in July!  So pretty!

Anyway, we got home late last night and even though I went to bed pretty early, I am still tired, hence the case of the Monday's.  At least Monday is only one day of the week and for me, it's already half over, so I will make it.

We are going to a Rockies game this Thursday night and my parents come next weekend so I am pretty happy with the activity level in our lives right now.  I hate sitting home every night and not doing anything.  I love to get out and experience things and it has been fun doing some of the stuff we've done recently.

Next major thing on the agenda for getting out of the house is heading to Estes Park and maybe Rocky Mountain National Park soon.  I think either this coming weekend or in three weeks we might go for a day trip.  The drive won't be too bad and it should be beautiful there as well!

C'mon Friday.  Where are you at??  :)

Why can't I do what I want to do?

The short answer is probably because I have no idea what I want to do!

This applies to several areas in my life.  My job, my exercise routine, my hobbies.  I know, right?  Who doesn't know what hobbies they like/want to have?  Me.  Well that's not entirely true.  It's because I love to do several different things but either don't have the time, money or energy to do them as much as I would like. 

I love taking pictures but don't have a lot of time to work on photo shop or different techniques.  I don't have the money for better equipment either, though the camera we have is not too shabby. 

I love to scrapbook but am not that good at it yet and don't have much time for it either.  Plus it can get expensive.

I used to like to exercise but again, feel like I have no time and also feel like I lack the energy most of the time.

Also, I used to play the piano.  But we don't own one, don't really have room for one and also don't really have the money to buy a nice one.

Then there's my job.

I do really like my job but cannot see having an hour and ten minute commute each way, every day for the rest of my life or at least even a few more years.  I really want something closer to home or if it can't be closer to home, something that pays more.  Haha.  Not trying to sound greedy but I guess I feel like if I was paid more, I could excuse the fact that I have so little time at home every weekday a little bit.

I don't know what I want.  I've considered going back to school and getting a degree for what I do now, or for teaching, or for something in the medical field, or to be a lawyer.  I feel like I am 18 and have no idea what to do with my life or what I want to be 'when I grow up'.  Problem is, I am 28, nearly 29 and still don't know.  I feel a little pathetic but also realize I have a lot of years left or working, so even if I wanted to switch careers now, if it is only 4 years until I have a degree or even 5, I still would have a lot of good years left of working and earning potential.

Why are these decisions so hard?  I think I keep putting off a decision because I am a little paralyzed with fear.  I think I am afraid that if I get a degree, I will be locked into one thing and what if I end up hating it?  I will have wasted all of that money on nothing!  I also want to get a job where I feel like the college degree was worth it monetarily.  I don't want to spend $60,000 on college for a $30,000/year job because I make more than that now.  Not trying to sound snotty, but at least to me that wouldn't be worth it.

I also considered quitting my job to become a classroom aid (para) at a school and make hardly anything for the chance to have summers off every year and spend a lot more time with my son.  I would also have some time off at Christmas and various other holidays throughout the year.  I wouldn't make a lot but it would be awesome to have that much time off.  I thought about doing that and working on a teaching degree at the same time so I could eventually be a teacher and still have the same hours but at least make a little more.

I have never had a serious conversation with Todd about this but need to because what I do affects him too.  If I decide to go back to school, that's great, but that will likely require student loans and more debt obligations.  If I downgrade the job, we will have less income.  We need to make a decision as to what will be the best thing for us in the long run.  I have to remember to look at this long term and not short term.  Even though a lot of things would change in the short term, the long term outcome of such decisions could be very different depending on what I choose.

So, I suppose it is time to finally choose.  I can choose to go back to school.  I can choose to stay where I am and try to keep working my way up (which has worked well for me so far, but I'm afraid a cap on my success is coming soon without a degree) or I can go for the para job and do nothing else, or go back to school at the same time.  I can choose to change career fields not including teaching.  I just don't know.

Ok, that was a lot of ranting for nothing really.  It didn't help me make a choice, just helped me feel better about not having made one yet by letting it all out.

I think if I don't make a decision by the end of this year, I will give myself a deadline of very early next year.

That's all.  Thanks for reading.  :)