Debating....

Right now at this point in my life, I am really debating a lot of things in my head.  I think since I am writing this post, one of the main things I am debating is if I want to continue blogging at all.  I originally started this blog to just keep an online diary of sorts as many people do.  I know it is mostly for myself anyway and I don't mind that hardly anyone reads it, but I just don't know if I feel like I want to continue.  I have only written a few posts in the last 6 or 7 months because I feel like I never have time!

The last two years of my life have basically just been crazy, crazy, crazy!  Two major moves to different states, 2 new jobs for me, 3 for my husband, and just the normal stuff you do everyday fit in with all of that.  Oh, and don't forget the 4 year old and the dog!  These two years also included two major illnesses for me that resulted in hospital stays - which of course included large bills also.  I told my mom recently that I have never felt so unorganized in my entire life!  My office is a mess, my bedroom is a mess, my basement is a mess, the kitchen is a mess.  You get the idea.  I know a lot of it is laziness on my part, but I also have a husband who doesn't enjoy organizing much.  He's good at cleaning, but our house isn't that 'dirty', just messy and unorganized with stuff everywhere.

We moved into this house in December and I have never gotten a handle on all that needs to be done in this house.  I do realize getting a house where you want it can take years, partially due to money.  I am not rich and cannot just go the store and pick out these pieces of art for the wall and this sofa table and those new lamps and pillows and organizing bins, etc.

A major reason this house isn't organized is because when you start a new job, you don't have a lot of paid time off and unfortunately for me, I get sick more than the average person, so I end up using a lot of my time being sick and laying around doing nothing at home because I am sick.  I would love to take a full week off this year sometime and just do house projects and organizing.  I don't know if that will happen, especially if we want to take a real vacation.  I don't have two full weeks left this year for time off so I will have to choose wisely what I want to do with my time.

Add to all of the above the fact that I am in a job that I do not love, nor like.  I've been pretty lucky in the past to work in jobs that I enjoyed, and it's really hard for me to adjust to a job that I have no passion for.  I still try to do my best everyday at my job and don't slack off just because I don't enjoy the work.  I want to get a promotion or move to a different department and the only way I will get to do that is by being great at what I do now.  It's been so draining for me and I come home from work every night and just want to do nothing.  I feel emotionally and physically exhausted every day.  That in turn makes me want to do nothing around the house, which just adds to my problem daily.

I know I have to be the one to make changes and no one can do it for me, but it is so hard!  It's sad because we have a lovely house, but it doesn't look so lovely right now due to the clutter.  We are going to have a garage sale in a few weeks to try and get rid of some clutter and also earn a little money.  I know I just need to make a decision every day to do a few things to work on my house.  Even when I am tired, if I can just tell myself that I need to get 2 things on my to do list done, I will have accomplished something and feel better, even if I only spent 15 minutes.

So back to my list of debatable things.  The major things I am debating right now are:

This blog
My job
Wanting more children (or should I say, another child - there will not be 'children' or more than one more)
If I want to work full time the rest of my life or try to run my own business/work from home
Prioritizing house projects (we want to do quite a few things to the house but have to decide what is most important)
My health (what am I really going to do - I have to do something, but when and how?)

I am one of those people where my mind rarely turns off and I do have trouble falling asleep sometimes because I think too much.  I over analyze things and that gets me in to trouble.  When I have too long of a to do list (like I do now) I paralyze myself because I don't know where to start or what the most important thing to do is.  I feel so stuck right now and don't feel I know how to get moving.

I feel like someday I will get it together, but it's not today and it's probably not this week.  I think it's going to have to start with those to do lists and prioritizing them and then breaking them down into easy pieces.  I know myself well enough to know this is the only way I will every get anything done.  So, on that note, I better go start working!  I will get better at this and I will eventually have my life and my house more organized!!

Finding myself

This is going to seem like a cheesy self discovery post, but it's not meant to be that.

I just wanted to put it out there that recenty I've been feeling like somehow I've lost myself.  I think it happened when I had a child.  I don't even know myself the full extent of what I mean by this, but I feel as though I don't do anything that I find fun or enjoyable anymore, I don't take care of myself the way I should and I don't spend the amount of time on friendships that I wish I could (or housework, or reading or a number of other things).

That's not to say that being a mom isn't the best thing in the world, because it is!  I wouldn't give up one second of my son's life for anything.  But I will say, having a kid is extremely time consuming!  I am constantly racked with guilt about what I am not doing or getting done.  I should work out more.  I should cook more.  I should clean more.  I should read to my son more.  I should spend more time playing with the dog.  I should contact my family and friends more.  I should keep better track of our money.  I should budget more so we can save more.  I should make time for scrapbooking.  I should take and print more pictures.  The list goes on.

I try not to live by the whole 'I should be doing this or that' standard and I know I should just try to enjoy each day as it comes, but I just can't help but feel like I am missing out on some things.  I have mentioned this in several previous posts, but I feel like part of why I feel this way is my commute to work.  It eats up about 2 1/2 hours of my day and it is just out of hand.  I hate that all that time is just gone with nothing to show for it.  The only thing I have been doing in that time is reading.  I know reading is good for me and I do really enjoy rit so it is somewhat enjoyable.  I just wish I could do more with that time.  I feel like it is a waste.

I feel like I have so many unfinished projects at home and it just bugs me to death!  I have my son's scrapbook from his first year, and I am only on month 6 - he is 2 1/2!  That is a huge goal of mine - to get it done by the time he is three.  How pathetic is that?  I know they say people make time for what they want to make time for and that is true.  I enjoy watching tv and browsing around on the internet, so that is what I spend my time doing quite a bit.  I could choose to spend more of the time editing pictures and ordering them so I can complete scrapbooks and I could spend more time cleaning so I keep my home nice but I don't.  I think part of the reason is because I am tired.  It is much easier to come home and plop down and relax after a long day and a long commute.

I think it is true how they say that you choose your own happiness or you choose whether or not you want to be happy.  I think the choices we make are a big deal and I think for the most part, we have no one to blame but ourselves for the choices we make and any resulting happiness/unhappiness from those choices.

I need to choose to do things that are more fulfilling then tv and the internet.  I need to go on a tv strike so I can start doing other things I enjoy.  In fact, I think I am going to.  I just want to feel like I got the most from my evenings and didn't waste them.  Time on weekdays is at a premium so I want to spend it wisely.

Anyway, back to the whole 'finding myself' thing.  I think another part of the reason I feel this way is because I don't know what I want from life.  I don't know if this is the career field I want to stay in or if I want to move on and go back to school or if I want to save up as much as possible to become a stay at home mom again if we decide to have another child.  I don't even know if I want another child!  I feel like I have some decisions to make and some serious thinking to do.  I don't know if I should try to put a deadline on my decisions, but I want to make up my mind.  I am not old by any means, but also don't want to wait another 10 years to decide what to do with my life.  It's just hard being an adult and having to make real life decisions.

I also know that part of being really happy is being healthy.  I am not so healthy right now and am starting to work on it.  I just went to the doctor for the first time in a year and feel like that was a step in the right direction of taking better care of myself.  Now on to the dentist and eye doctor!  Also, I need to get real and finally decide to lose the extra 30 pounds I am carrying.  I think I would feel like a whole new person if I lost the weight once and for all!  I must do it.  I keep telling myself this but have to finally commit.

I suppose that is all for now.  I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head, even if not a single person reads them!

Why is being an adult so difficult?

I know that is a silly, rhetorical question, but it just sucks to be an adult sometimes.

Making tough choices is part of being an adult but it sure sucks at times.  Sometimes I wish someone would make decisions for me and that I wouldn't have to deal with any problems or issues ever.  Sometimes I want to hide under a rock and hope it all goes away (although saying this makes it sound like I have all sorts of problems, but I really don't and am pretty blessed.  I am more referring to the once in a while a bigger issue comes along).  I know this is unrealistic and not very mature of me to feel this way.

I have told people in the past that I feel like I will be 21 forever (and there even happens to be a store named 'forever 21' - isn't that cute?).  I don't feel like that in respect to feeling young like I want to party all the time and not have a job or responsibilities, but more like I feel that way as far as every part of being an adult is new to me and it always will be.  I have been an adult for a while now and I got married when I was about 22.  But the fact that I get to (or have to) decide what to do with my life and where to go and what to buy is hard for me.  I still struggle with it.  Heck, I may struggle with it my whole life!  I told this lady I work with that it is weird that I get to decide on most things in my life.  I don't know if I had an issue with this growing up where I always wanted to be in control and wasn't.  I don't know.  It's almost like too much freedom is bad for me and too many choices paralyze me!  Sounds weird I know.

A couple of recent things that have come up that make me feel this way.....

-School.  I can't decide if I want to go back to school or not.  I want a degree but this is a tough time in my life to try to do it with a small child and the possibility of having another one in the next few years.  Also, someone recently said to me 'you make as much money or more than a lot of people with degrees, so why bother?'  I agree with this to a point but I feel like if I am going to go much farther in life and my career that I will need a degree at some point.  Plus I am 28.  That gives me enough time to get a degree and still have plenty of time to work my way up in my career and potentially be able to make a lot more if I do get a degree.  My fear is that if I wait too much longer to start, a lot of my years of having high earning potential will be behind me.  I just don't know.  Add into this that I would have at least half of my school paid for by tuition reimbursement from my company if I stay.  That is hard to pass up with how pricey school is these days!

-Dog.  I don't want to go into it too much, but we were bad people recently and got rid of our dog.  It was to a private party - a lady and her boyfriend.  I got an email from her today saying she now can't keep the dog.  Are you freaking kidding me?  What am I supposed to do now?  I don't want the dog back and I don't know what to tell her.  I kinda want to say 'that's your problem now and not mine' but I would like to think of something nicer and better to say, but I don't know what it would be.  I don't want to take the dog back and try to find another family for her.  Too hard on us and her I think.  I feel like the new owner should do what she wants and not tell me about it.  It's too hard to deal with.  I don't want to take the dog back only to give it up again.  We never should have had dogs in the first place.  We don't have enough time or energy to devote to a dog. 

-Money.  We have recently made some good strides in our finances and I am feeling pretty good about things.  Problem is, I don't feel great.  All I want is to feel great and have no payments to anyone outside of utilities, our mortgage and maybe a car loan.  I just struggle with making everyday choices that support our overall goal of being secure.  I know we are still young and a lot of young couples are trying to find their footing financially, but I need security and I want it now!  Ok, not really, but I would like it to be about 2-3 years from now because if things go as planned, we will be feeling awesome financially!  Tough choices with money suck.  I wish I didn't have to make decisions or do certain things.  I wish this would all be done for me or that we had a ton of extra money or whatever.  It is what it is for now and all we can do is keep making good decisions going forward to get to where we want to be.

Anyway, that is all I have.  I will get over it eventually but for now I am just stressed about life.